In every issue of this fine rag our hack team of wannabe journalists tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if they're doing their job - they write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than grow your unibrow like Anthony Davis.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with making the secret sauce, it's our life's work.

This week's column takes us to Lakewood, where sometimes folks get shot in their sleep.

Enjoy.

We've all been there: The party is raging. You're feeling good. The drinks are sliding down easy and next thing you know you can't walk a straight line.

You're drunk, and suddenly all bets are off.

Next thing you know you get shot in the arm and you're so loaded you have no idea how the hell it happened.

OK, OK, so maybe we haven't ALL experienced the aforementioned situation, but at least one poor sap in Lakewood has - and The News Tribune was nice enough to write about it in the Lights & Sirens blog.

According to published reports by the Trib's Stacey Mulick from March 23, a "young man woke up overnight with a gunshot wound in his arm and now Lakewood police are trying to figure out where he was shot and by whom."

No, seriously. That's the real lead of the story. Some guy got shot on the night of March 22 and he's got no idea how in the hell it happened. After waking up to find a bullet in his arm, the man drove himself to St. Clare Hospital in Lakewood with what Lakewood Police Assistant Chief Mike Zaro called a non-life threatening injury.

Non-life threatening, but pretty damn embarrassing.

No word on whether the victim stopped by House of Donuts on the way to the hospital, but experts agree that if he happened to it's a good illustration of exactly how non-important a story about a drunk guy being too drunk to remember who shot him really is.

According to Mulick's blog post:

The man was drunk and not able to provide investigators with much information about why he was shot.

"He woke up in some pain and noticed" the gunshot wound, Zaro said.

Remember: You've got to fight for your right to party.

According to Mulick's story, authorities believe the man was in his car when he was shot and that the shooter fired from outside the vehicle.

According to unofficial investigation by the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, authorities also believe the man is likely a dipshit for getting shot and not remembering how it happened.

Muddying the waters, the man tells authorities he's not even sure WHERE he was when he was shot - and, as of Mulick's posting, police had no idea either.

Zaro tells the Trib: "He says he doesn't remember."

Not surprisingly, no arrests have been made in the case - probably because the drunk-ass who got shot can provide absolutely no helpful information to authorities.

No word yet on how thrilled police are to be spending time investigating this nonsense. - Shooter McGavin, Too-Drunk-To-Remember-Who-Shot-Me Crime Correspondent