Thing: Faux cupcakes

Where: Feeling Smitten

Serving: Ice cream cones

And: Cupcakes

They look: Delicious!

They taste: Awful

Soft & Warm: No

Gooey & Sweet: Not at all

Taste disappointment: 100%

Skin softness & relaxation: 100%

Through the front doors of Feeling Smitten, located on Sixth Avenue in Tacoma, I see beautiful cupcakes, cakes, cake-pops and ice cream cones.  They are all over the place and I can't wait to sink my teeth into one (or four).

Owner Courtney Pearson greets me, and then informs me her items do not contain parabens or sulfates, but instead evaporated milk and citric acid.

No parabens or sulfates, but of course-that would taste gross in a cupcake. 

Then Pearson whispers to me, "They are made with citric acid to keep you from pruning up," adding, "Dead Sea salt is also added to pull the impurities out of your skin and Epsom salt is for relaxing your muscles." 

Is she serious? I'm supposed to eat all that s*** and it will give me all those skin benefits? This doesn't sound right. I am positive this Pearson girl doesn't know what she is talking about (and is possibly trying to poison me). So I ask to see where all the items were made.

As she shows me behind Feeling Smitten's magic curtain, my eyes take in the wondrous wall-to-wall confectionary. Friends of Pearson are working with elf-like diligence, wrapping goodies in beautiful ribbons and bows while Pearson's sister frosts cupcakes that sit inside cupcake tins.

"Are the candy sprinkles real?" I ask with high doubt. 

Pearson answers, "Yes, and my sister is a real pastry chef." 

Hmmmm ... this makes me doubt my theory that Pearson is trying to slowly poison me with Epsom salts, one cupcake at a time. I feel I can trust her, so I finish my purchase and go home to binge in private.

As I draw a hot bath, ready to indulge in what would be a perfect bath buffet, I unwrap my first dessert, attempt to sink my teeth into a cupcake and ... ouch! The cupcake is rock hard! And I'm pissed! I throw the cupcake into my hot bath, and as I sit in the bathtub crying sugary tears that damn cupcake begins to fizz while excreting soft, aromatic layers into the water.

I knew it! Pearson IS trying to poison me! 

The joke's on her because I'll be poisoned with nothing less than the softest skin in Tacoma.

[Feeling Smitten, 2503 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, feelingsmitten.com]