In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area.  Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do other than have homoerotic fantasies about the Shake Weight that now involve Charlie Whitehurst.

This week's Ragnet takes us all over, because criminal stupidity knows no bounds.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Hey, we've all had a bad day. Sometimes things don't go your way at work, or at home, or in your fantasy football league, and you just want to park the Ford Explorer in the garage, leave the engine running and doze off to sleep. We get it.

But, even at our lowest, we've never taken the time to consider truly unique and original suicidal threats. There's a man in Thurston County that could teach us a thing or two.

According to published reports, Thurston County sheriff's deputies were dispatched to the Rich Road area early on the morning of Friday, Aug. 13, after receiving a call about a suicidal man in the area. When deputies arrived they found a 20-year-old behind the wheel of an ATV, "weaving back and forth across the road in both lanes," according to court papers.  The man allegedly refused to stop when contacted by sheriff's deputies. At one point the ATV driver went so far as to ram the back of a patrol car, only to speed away from authorities.

At this point things got truly out of hand. A local paper recounts, "A deputy tried to subdue the driver after he had stopped the all-terrain vehicle by shooting him with a Taser, but the suspect sped away."

We're not exactly sure what that means, other than THIS DUDE REFUSED TO STOP.

Until, of course, he did stop - abruptly surrendering to police.  According to reports, the man told authorities he'd been the person who reported the suicidal man in the neighborhood, and that he was sorry. He apparently then admitted "he just wasn't thinking."

No kidding.  - Billy Yokely, ATV-Related Crime Correspondent

Eastern Washington crazies

According to reports, a Chelan Falls man is in deep shit, caught up in the age-old turf war many of us know so well: rascally young kids vs. cranky old guys.

The Wenatchee World says 63-year-old Robert A. Davidson was recently in court, facing charges of second-degree assault and felony harassment.  The charges stem from a recent confrontation in Davidson's yard. According to court papers, Davidson encountered three boys (ages 10 and 8) "looking for lizards" on his property earlier this year. This so enraged the Chelan County crusty that not only did he chase the boys off, he decided to drive his car at them. To further get the boys' attention, Davidson upped the ante by POINTING HIS SHOTGUN at two of the boys and firing it in the air as the boys ran away. 

No word on whether he cackled like a Hatfield or McCoy.

Granted, this happened east of the mountains, BUT STILL! Firing the gun in the air Jed Clampett style would have been quaint, but this crosses the line.

Davidson could face more than a year in prison.  - Fancy Gray, Special Weekly Volcano Legal Correspondent