In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than embellish your New Year's Eve 2011 story.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

It should come as a surprise to no one that a number of idiots around the South Sound took to the roadways drunk this New Year's Eve and New Year's morning. Despite warnings from every direction - and even a number of programs specifically designed to make it easier for drunks to get home safely, like free cab rides - dumb assholes tend to do dumb asshole things, like drive drunk. There's no reason to think it would be any different this year.

Lakewood got a smashing reminder of just how dangerous drunk driving can be Saturday night, care of an airman assigned to Joint Base Lewis-McChord according to reports in The News Tribune.

Suspected of being drunk behind the wheel, the allegedly wasted airman reportedly slammed into the MultiCare building in the 9300 block of Bridgeport Way in Lakewood Saturday night, causing serious damage to the clinic's urgent care waiting room according to The Trib's Adam Ashton. Lakewood Police spokesman Lt. Chris Lawler tells The Trib that the driver - after careening into the building and causing so much damage that MultiCare had to temporarily relocate urgent care services to a primary care wing on Sunday - tried to prevent witnesses from calling police.

Maybe he thought no one would notice?

Someone did notice, however, and police were contacted. As of Ashton's report in The Trib, the suspected drunk driver was in the custody of military police.

Following Up ...

As you recall, two weeks ago in Ragnet we detailed the theft of 41 guns from the SportCo in Fife, with one of the two suspected burglars having been caught on surveillance camera donning a Santa hat. The burglary came roughly a week before Christmas, and resulted in the theft of 39 firearms and 2 rifles. It led us to speculate that many residents in Fife had guns on their holiday wish lists.

Well, The News Tribune reports this week that one of the two suspected burglars, 20-year-old David Bunta, was arrested at his place of work after a confidential informant told police that he may have been involved in the robbery. Though Bunta initially told authorities he wasn't involved, Adam Lynn writes in The Trib that police say Bunta eventually confessed to the crime - and to wearing the Santa hat, saying he disposed of it after the robbery.

Police tell The Trib that Bunta has admitted that the guns were "dispersed" at his home following the robbery, but has refused to name anyone else involved in the crime. Authorities also tell The Trib that detectives said they recovered two of the stolen guns from Bunta's car and house and a third from a car belonging to another man.

If you're counting at home, that means 38 stolen weapons remain unaccounted for, quite possibly having found their way under Christmas trees in Fife (and surrounding areas) this year. - Yukon Cornelius, Santa Related Crime Correspondent