In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than drink eggnog straight from the carton when no one's looking.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with finishing our poetry chapbooks, it's our life's work.

This week's column takes us to Fife, where even Santa is sometimes heavily armed.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

It's the holiday season everywhere ... even in Fife. Despite the fact you probably only drive through Fife on the freeway, or occasionally venture there for cheap cigarettes, or sometimes get a hotel room there with your mistress, believe it or not there are real citizens of Fife - and plenty of them have holiday wish lists.

What's the number one item on at least 44 of those holiday wish lists?

Guns.

Or so we're guessing.

According to reports in The News Tribune and on the paper's "Lights & Sirens" blog, two men - including one in a Santa hat - broke into the Sportco in Fife early Saturday, Dec. 17, making off with at least 44 firearms. Authorities say the burglars were in and out of the Sportco (located at 4602 20th St. E., Fife) in just over three minutes - smashing a window at approximately 3:15 a.m. to gain entrance and then breaking the glass on the gun displays to get access to the firearms. The burglar not clad in the Santa hat was reportedly wearing a mask, though police were unable to provide a detailed description of either suspect. Anonymous sources have suggested to the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk that the suspect in the Santa hat likely had a "broad face," and a "little round belly," that may or may not have "shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly" - though none of that has been confirmed at this point.

What authorities can say with certainty is the gun total the duo made off with includes two rifles, and that the thieves did not take any ammunition. Police in Fife say the guns were worth $21,000 and that the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives is now aiding in the investigation.

While seeing $21,000 worth of guns slip into the hands of thieves is probably always considered frustrating by police, reports in the Trib indicate Fife's Boys in Blue arrived a mere 30 seconds after being dispatched ... yet still managed to miss the speedy crooks. As far as frustrations go, we assume this ranks right behind the time Volcano scribe Steph DeRosa beat a ticket from Fife's red light camera because she was in a hurry to get to the Pick Quick.

According to the Trib, Crime Stoppers is offering up to $1,000 for information leading to an arrest and charges filed in the burglary, with tipsters (and hipsters) able to remain anonymous. - Tim Allen, Santa Clause Related Crime Correspondent