In every issue of this fine rag the Volcano's hack team of wannabe journalists tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area (even when Editor Matt Driscoll is on vacation). Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something better to do than watch shitty movies Clint Eastwood has made recently.

Enjoy. - Rev. Adam McKinney

If his victims were anyone but McDonald's customers, he'd be a folk hero. If, say, he was a server at a steakhouse who routinely swindled thousands of dollars from the pockets of wealthy assholes having three-martini lunches, his crimes might be enough to earn him a bronze statue somewhere in downtown Olympia.

As it stands, however, the 17-year-old boy (whom we shall henceforth refer to as the Hamburglar, since it's uncouth to name juvenile defendants) accused of stealing more than $15,000 from drive-thru customers at an Olympia McDonald's will be lucky if he ever sees a McRib again (we should all be so lucky).

According to a report written by Matt Batcheldor, staff writer for The Olympian, the Hamburglar was apprehended by police last Wednesday, accused of utilizing a credit-card skimming device to obtain credit card information from drive-thru customers, which he then used to purchase between $15,000 and $20,000 in electronics.

That's a lot of nuggets!

Upon arrest, sources say that the Hamburglar had quite the grimace on his face! His alleged victims were quoted as saying they hope he'll fry for this!

Thurston County Deputy Prosecutor Wayne Graham, at a probable case hearing last Thursday, was quoted as saying, "This is not a small-scale operation by any stretch of the imagination." With ever-growing list of victims - currently at 16 - this operation was most definitely super-sized.

The Hamburglar's home was searched after several cardholders claimed fraudulent charges on cards that hadn't been stolen. The common link, officers found, was that each card had recently been used at the McDonald's on 715 Plum St. SE. Upon speaking with McDonald's management, it was discovered that the Hamburglar had been working during every instance these cards had been used.

Inside the Hamburglar's home, the officers found thousands of dollars worth of merchandise, including high-end electronics, video games, cameras and computers. Conspicuously missing: special sauce. Despite the Hamburglar's arrest, his alleged victims still aren't quite lovin' it, as he has yet to be brought up on charges.

Officers allege that the Hamburglar used his stolen credit card information to purchase gift cards to stores like Walmart and Toys R Us, which he would use to buy merchandise that he would then turn around and sell on Craigslist. The suspect admitted as much to the cops, upon questioning, because he's a real McChicken.

Thanks to this McFlurry of criminal activity, allegedly taking place between the Oct. 10 and Nov. 9, the Hamburglar is being held pending bail while his attorney argues that he should be released on his own recognizance.

Despite his best efforts, it looks like the Hamburglar isn't going to be a dollar menunaire any time soon. (So sorry.) - Mayor McCheese, Burger-Faced Crime Correspondent