In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something better to do than perfect your ironic (moronic?) mustache.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with "keeping it real," it's our life's work.

This week's Ragnet takes us to the Henderson Inlet and Nisqually Reach watersheds, two fairly shittty areas of Thurston County.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Just like your parents always insisted, dog ownership comes with a lot of responsibility. You have to feed your furry little friends, bathe them from time to time, and even take them to the vet when they get sick. It's not all friendly fetch and tail wagging - being a dog owner is serious business.

Apparently, there are some folks in Thurston County who could use a stern parental talking-to on the matter.

As was reported by The Olympian this week, results from a one-month survey by the Pacific Shellfish Institute - which visited 16 sites in the Henderson Inlet and Nisqually Reach watersheds - discovered more than 1,200 piles of dog waste, weighing 127 pounds.

For those playing at home, that's a lot of shit.

Not only do those 1,200 piles of dog crap present a potential hazard for your shoes, they represent a potential hazard for the environment. According to The Olympian's story, a good chunk of the dog crap was found near streams that flow directly into Puget Sound, "providing a source of bacterial contamination that can lead to shellfish harvest restrictions and closures."

"I was blown away," Aimee Christy, a biologist who conducted the survey with help from volunteers, tells The Olympian. "I didn't expect to find that much."

Why would she? Here at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, even though we once dog sat a Great Dane with irritable bowel syndrome, we can't even imagine what 127 pounds of dog shit would look like ... other than sizeable.

Where should you avoid stepping? Try Homann Park on Carpenter Road and Woodland Creek Community Park - two areas particularly targeted by the study according to The Olympian.  On Oct. 12, lucky volunteers bagged 143 piles of shit at Homann Park, while Sept. 30 and Oct. 1 saw the removal of 146 piles of shit from Woodland Creek Community Park.

For those playing at home, that's still a lot of shit.

Luckily, the study did provide some possible solutions to the crappy epidemic. Those recommendations range from the fairly obvious - like distributing flyers and providing pet-waste stations, signs and garbage cans in parks frequented by dog owners - to the more ambitious, like engaging in outreach and education efforts in neighborhoods and schools near Homann Park and Woodland Creek, increasing enforcement of park and city rules requiring owners scoop up after their four-legged friends, creating more sanctioned off-leash parks and planting native vegetation.

Think that's too much effort to spend on dog shit?

The aforementioned 1,200 rogue piles turned up by this study seem to suggest otherwise. - Bob Poddy, Dog Crap Related Crime Correspondent