In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something better to do than plan your ingenious "slutty piece of bacon" Halloween costume.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Sometimes it all seems like too much. Sometimes life's trials and tribulations can weigh heavily on a person, even a sane person, imploring them to act in ways that defy the rules of "good sense." It's understandable, and can happen to anyone.

That said, it rarely blows up as big as the story at the heart of this week's Ragnet.

According to published reports on The News Tribune's "Lights & Sirens" blog, a Washington State Trooper attempted to stop a car for speeding on state Route 16 just before 11 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 29. Quoted by the Trib, the Washington State Patrol's Guy Gill (still his real name, amazingly) told the paper that while the speeding vehicle initially pulled over at the sight of flashing lights behind him, once the trooper exited his car the momentarily-stopped speeder took off - leading authorities on what's described as a "low speed" pursuit.

Eventually, the action landed in Fircrest.

The News Tribune reports that, after travelling at low speeds all the way to Fircrest with the Washington State Patrol on his tale, the driver made the ingenious decision to jump out of the car while it was still moving - part of a fevered (and sadly pathetic) effort to elude authorities. While the Trib reports that, after exiting the vehicle, the speeder ran, the paper doesn't mention what came of the still-moving car. Here at Ragnet, we assume we would have heard if the car damaged the Fircrest Swim Shop or any of the eleventy-seven gigantic-ass hanging flower baskets the city has on its lamp posts.

While the Trib story doesn't mention the fate of the vehicle, it does - naturally - center on the fate of its driver. After ejecting himself, and, of course, running, the speeder apparently did the only reasonable thing to do in such a situation: climb a 35-40 foot cedar tree in someone's yard. According to The News Tribune, the driver was located by a police dog - literally up a tree - near Del Monte Avenue and South 19th Street.

What happened next? Not much ... unless you consider nine hours of negotiation trying to get the man down to be action-packed.

Nine freakin' hours.

Finally, shortly before 8 a.m. Friday morning, a trained negotiator was able to convince the man to come down. As soon as his feet hit ground the man, reportedly dressed only in a T-shirt and jeans, was taken from the scene in an ambulance - scheduled to undergo a mental health evaluation later that day at Western State Hospital.

Believed to be in his early 20s, the tree-climbing speeder could face charges of felony eluding, obstruction of justice, criminal trespass and making false statements to a public servant. - Jeter Penkins, Tree-Climbing Crime Correspondent