In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than make jokes about how I owe the honor-system snack box at work $10 in IOUs (only applicable to employees at Weekly Volcano World Headquarters).

This week's column takes us to Fife, where it's easy to get aggro.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Fife is the kind of place that can bring a person down. Aside from the Poodle Dog, the Pick Quick, the cheap cigarettes and the "old-lady-threw-me-out motels," there's not much to write home about in Fife.

It can make a person mad.

Sometimes, it can make a group of people mad.

According to reports on the News Tribune's "Lights & Sirens" blog, police in Fife are searching for information on three men seen driving a blue Honda near the Wendy's at 5016 Pacific Hwy. E. early on the morning of July 28. As the Trib's Stacey Mulick describes, an employee at the Wendy's called police after getting into an argument with the three men, one of whom became so enraged he threw a Frosty (identified by the Trib as a milkshake) at her - hitting her in the face.

While this bit of Fife-related nonsense would - on its own - make for a fairly ho-hum Ragnet, Mulick's "Lights and Sirens" post leads off with an account of another angry episode at a Fife fast food restaurant on the same night.

Police tell Mulick they're also looking for information about three men who allegedly pummeled and robbed a man found sleeping behind the Jack in the Box at 3402 Pacific Hwy. E. - an attack that happened a short time after the Frosty-throwing incident. There's no indication the involved men are the same, other than they all seem prone to ridiculous acts of anger and run in packs.

According to the Trib, a man from Texas who'd traveled to the area via a long-haul trucker decided to separate from his road companion, but found himself light on cash. With few options (and in Fife, of all places) the man took shelter on a piece of cardboard behind the Jack in the Box and tried to get some shut-eye. He was awoken by three angry men who proceeded to kick the crap out of him and steal the few dollars he had in his wallet. The victim was taken to a local hospital with facial fractures and possible bleeding on his brain, according to Mulick.

All of this once again proving that sleeping behind fast food restaurants in Fife is a bad idea. ...

MORE CRAPPY NEWS: Federal Way police recently announced that the subject of last week's Ragnet, Sury the Chihuahua - rescued from a sweltering van outside Wild Waves by members of the Federal Way police department's Animal Services division but then lost during transport to the animal shelter - was found dead this week. Police say she was hit by a car. - Debbie Downer, Volcano Crime Correspondent