In every issue of this fine rag the Volcano's hack team of wannabe journalists tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do after you recover from Uncle Lou's chili chipotle nacho bomb football eats.

This week's Ragnet takes us to Tacoma, where things are about to get (cue sax music!) steamy.

Enjoy. - Weekly Volcano

Ragnet is generally conservative. We at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk believe most criminals are, how shall we put this politely, useless shitheads who go out of their way to violate the American compact of decent behavior and make existence less pleasant for the rest of us. We believe most criminals deserve to be behind bars, busting rocks or making license plates or, worst of all, watching Glee. But when we look around this crazy world with philosophical eyes, it can't escape our attention that some laws target "offenders" who'd be better served with a hefty guilt trip, some counseling and a more productive hobby.

Oh, and then there's this matter of teacher-student relations.

While we at the Crime Desk remember an instance or two of being, as one David L. Roth so eloquently put it, hot for teacher, we claim no expertise on the (you'll pardon the expression) ins and outs of extracurricular activities. But if you're 18 or older, we tend to believe you should be allowed to bump fuzzies with anyone who'll admit you into his or her pants.

Legislators take a sterner view.

According to an item in the News Tribune's crime blotter, a former Mount Tahoma English teacher was arraigned on eight counts of first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor. Ms. Sweaterstein (not her real name) was placed on administrative leave Jan. 27 and resigned a few days later. She pled not guilty to all charges. The student claims he and Ms. Sweaterstein began a consensually amorous relationship in December 2010 and had sex "multiple times."

Poor guy, right? Oh, and he was 18 at the time.

We don't know about you, but where we come from, an 18-year-old student is not a minor. Granted, some of us come from Oklahoma, where a family reunion and a round of speed dating are the same occasion, but the point is, this teacher seems guilty of only two things: namely, making this student the happiest 18-year-old in Pierce County and pretty questionable judgement.

The student's parents, on the other hand, are pissed. We understand. The law is on their side, too, as it's illegal for a public school teacher to have sex with a student in Washington state, even if that student is of the age of consent, even if the student swears the relationship was consensual, male or female, end of discussion. But when a similar case went to appeals court in January 2009, that charge was dismissed. The court decided that because the law was written to protect actual minors, that's how it should be applied, regardless of what it says. We predict a similar outcome here.

In the meantime, this teacher has been publicly humiliated for a matter that probably should've been handled in private.

In the principal's office.

With, say, a vigorous spanking.

Yeaahhh. - Mallary Horntacular, Sexy Crime Correspondent