In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you think about something other than the need to update your résumé for your inevitable return to the frozen yogurt industry.

This week's Ragnet takes us to Yelm, where family altercations sometimes involve biting.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Hey, look, we all hated our stepdad. It's not a new story. If you're of a certain age, there's a good chance your mom, at one point or another, shacked up with some dude that wasn't your real dad (maybe his name was "Glen," maybe it wasn't ...). And there's a decent chance you thought he was a total douche. He may or may not have drank boxed wine out of a coffee cup while unemployed, and you may or may not have worked constant references to this miserable habit into a weekly column by a fictional island-themed souvenir. These things happen.

Sometimes, though, things break a little differently - and you end up working with your stepdad until one day, after a bit of drinking, he gets angry and bites off your nose. These things also happen. ...

At least to people from Yelm.

According to published reports in The Olympian, 33-year-old Scott Anthony Newhouse was arrested Tuesday, Jan. 11, on suspicion of second-degree assault. Court papers say Newhouse and his stepson were working in Lakewood that day, and stopped off for drinks on their way home. That's when things took a turn for the worse.

According to The Olympian, the stepson told authorities his stepdad emerged from the bar unable to drive - thanks to a pesky ignition interlock device in his vehicle. Thankfully, he was there and was able to start the vehicle and get behind the wheel, so the father and stepson team were able to continue home.

At some point the stepson stopped the vehicle on Mounts Road. While court records give no indication why he may have done this, it's the Volcano's assumption it had something to do with needing to "drain the main vein," in construction speak.

While the stepson was trying desperately to get his drunk stepdad home (albeit with a likely roadside bathroom break), the stepdad had other ideas. Court papers say during the stop, Newhouse exited the vehicle and began "sliding around on the snow and ice."

This drunken divergence caused his stepson to yell at the old man, instructing him to get back in the car.

This, in turn, was enough to make Newhouse irate. He allegedly assaulted his stepson while getting back in the vehicle, and continually during the rest of their journey together. The stepson eventually exited the vehicle at Seventh Avenue and Old Pacific Highway, but not before (drum roll please ...) Newhouse allegedly bit off a chunk of his nose.

That's right - his stepdad allegedly BIT OFF A CHUNK of his nose!

After getting out of the car, the stepson was taken to Providence St. Peter Hospital for care.

Newhouse, on the other hand, was arrested.

Will they eventually laugh about this incident, years down the road, at family Thanksgiving dinner?

Who knows?

(Get it!?!). - Nancy Nostril, Nose Related Crime Correspondent