In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you do something other than get baked and play Call of Duty.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with remembering to take out the trash and recycling on the proper day, it's our life's work

This week's Ragnet takes us to Tacoma, where Monster Energy Drink is a hot commodity.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

As we've occasionally pointed out here in Ragnet, not every Billy Badass who joins the police force has what it takes to succeed. Being a good cop takes many qualities, chiefly important among them the ability to know right from wrong.

Unfortunately, not everyone possesses this quality. The good news is, most of the time respective police forces catch on to such character defects before bringing embarrassment upon the Boys in Blue.

That seems to be just what happened to former Tacoma police and Pierce County sheriff's deputy Douglas Wayne Jolliffe of Gig Harbor, recently charged with five counts of second-degree burglary in connection with several thefts at local grocery stores. The 46-year-old Jolliffe worked for "five or six years" with the Tacoma Police Department, according to coverage in the News Tribune quoting TPD spokesman Mark Fulghum. After Jolliffe's stint with the TPD, he was briefly employed by the Pierce County Sheriff's Department, but was fired during the probation period, according to the same News Tribune story.

According to reports, the alleged thefts occurred mainly in 2009 at Safeway and Fred Meyer stores where Jolliffe was a well-known character, having already been banned from entering due to previous shoplifting incidents. The fact that Jolliffe had already been banned from the stores where the alleged crimes took place only worsens his outlook, resulting in the escalated burglary charge.  The News Tribune reports Jolliffe has been arrested 19 times for "minor crimes."

Jolliffe's most recent alleged criminal transgressions revolve around a scheme bigger than the Snickers bars and Red Bulls it involved.  According to authorities, in most of the incidents in question, store security captured Jolliffe with carts full of items like energy drinks and candy. When confronted, Jolliffe allegedly took off and fled like only a good crook would.

What would a less-than-bright criminal want with a bunch of candy and energy drinks, one might ask?

Authorities allege stealing the small-time goods was just the first part of the operation. Once he'd lifted the candy and energy drinks, police say Jolliffe would sell the stuff back to local convenience stores - raking in a profit that, based on Weekly Volcano math, had to rival the "minor" status of his previous criminal record.

Does the scheme make Jolliffe a criminal mastermind? Absolutely not.

The butt of a good joke? Absolutely.

According to reports, Jolliffe previously pled guilty to the same thing - reselling stolen goods - in 2008, serving three months under electronic home monitoring. - Farney Bife, Dumb Cop Crime Correspondent