In every issue of this fine rag since early 2008, my hack team of wannabe journalists and I have tackled some of the most laughable criminal acts that have happened in our area. It's called "Ragnet," and without a doubt it has become one of the most popular features to ever grace the pages of the Weekly Volcano. From Tacoma to Tumwater, and everywhere in between, readers pick up this paper every week - some for the sole purpose of reading about dumb criminals doing moronic things. It's a beautiful relationship, and one we plan on continuing for as long as the South Sound's idiot criminals continue to do idiot things (which seems like a pretty safe bet).

In celebration of the Volcano's 10-year anniversary, I offer to you the very best of Ragnet.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Fast food stickup

ISSUE DATE: Feb. 14, 2008

When you think of Jack Hannah, you probably think about that goofy guy who wears a lot of khaki and brings the exotic animals on late night talk shows. That's the only Jack Hannah I care about.

But minimum-wage employees of fast food restaurants in Pierce and King counties now have a whole new image of Jack Hannah.

On Tuesday, Feb. 5, prosecutors formally filed charges against Hannah on two counts of first degree robbery - but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Investigators believe Hannah is responsible for at least six robberies at fast food restaurants since December.

Hannah's MO is simple. He enters a fast food establishment, distracts patrons and employees with a colorful tropical bird or rabid marsupial, orders food, continues to amaze the entire restaurant with magic from the animal kingdom - then pulls out a gun, takes all the money, grabs the food he ordered and hits the road. Police say Hannah is responsible for a robbery at a Subway at 8638 Pacific Ave. in Tacoma on Jan. 8 that happened this way.

However, the animal involvement is mysteriously missing from police reports and investigators seem to be under the impression there's more than one Jack Hannah. Weird. - Mary Peters, Pacific Avenue Crime Correspondent 

Skatepark throw down

ISSUE DATE: March 13, 2008

Sunday, March 9, police were called to the Sumner Skatepark, located in the Daffodil Valley Sports Complex in southeast Sumner, after news of a sizeable altercation was reported. Two people were cited on misdemeanor assault charges and then released, and the Sumner Skatepark was padlocked and closed until Monday. According to published reports, the fight was between two groups of skaters. After starting within the confines of the park, the fight spilled out into the parking lot.

The Weekly Volcano suspects (based on only misinformed, preconceived stereotypes and two or three beers) that the fight likely went something like this:

In a scene reminiscent of West Side Story, two rival skateboard gangs, we'll call them the Jets and the Sharks, were shredding hardcore at the Sumner Skatepark. There was a lot of grinding going on, and the pants were worn low.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a dispute broke out.

A member of the Jets, who was long, lanky and boasted a mop of red hair and minimal reading comprehension skills became infuriated by the insinuations of another skater - a member of the Sharks with an equally below-average education and a grudge to settle. Apparently, the red-headed Jet performed a frontside fakie Mctwist, which the Shark, still harboring ill feelings against the Jets for dirty dancing with his sister at a recent Sumner High School dance, mislabeled as a 720 frontside heel grab. Harsh words were probably exchanged, something like:

"That 720 frontside heel grab you just busted out was weak, dude," said the Shark.

"That was no 720 frontside heel grab, yo! What the hell is a frontside heel grab? That was a frontside fakie McTwist," shouted the Jet.

"Oh yeah, well my Volcom jeans are cooler than yours. I'm going to kick your ass!"

After that, all hell broke loose. The Sumner Skatepark was reopened Monday. Police hope the skaters have had time to hotbox something and chill out. - Oley Jackson, Sumner Crime Correspondent

Decent exposure

ISSUE DATE: Oct. 15, 2009

These days bikini barista stands are everywhere - openly offering glimpses of purportedly "hot" baristas while also selling triple shot mochas to guys that probably didn't drink anything but Folgers prior to this craze.

It's a genius business plan.

However, not everyone is a fan, which became blatantly clear last Thursday, Oct. 8, on South Hill near Puyallup.

According to published reports, police received a call from an irate soccer mom sometime that day. With the noise of kids hollering in the background, this mom told authorities of the atrocities she'd just witnessed - and by "atrocities" I mean a bikini barista from the Bikini Bottom Espresso stand at 7919 176th St. E. walking with nothing on her top except "pasties." According to this soccer mom, the barista's "pasties" were nothing more than small pieces of black electrical tape, and this made her flaming mad.

Oh, the indecency!

After receiving the call, police responded to Bikini Bottom Espresso (surely the first time they'd been, right?) and saw the evidence firsthand. Sure enough, the barista in question had only black tape over her nipples - a clear violation of South Hill's stringent "decency laws," which help to regulate filth in the area's many strip malls and Best Buys. The barista was quickly cited for indecent exposure, and authorities are currently investigating whether the problem is more widespread in South Hill. They warn other local businesses to keep it classy or face a similar consequence.

And oh yeah - just to make sure the case was airtight, police took the barista's black tape pasties as evidence.

Nice touch. - Beasley Bima, Bikini Barista Crime Correspondent 

Rendezvous gone wrong

ISSUE DATE: March 4, 2010

On Tuesday, March 2, the Internet blogosphere lit up with the news: "Police activity at Point Defiance Park."

Naturally, here at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, speculation ran rampant. Could the penguins at the zoo be cooking meth? Might the geese finally have gotten busted for shitting all over the place? Had the Pagoda been turned into a makeshift whorehouse?

As it turns out, it was something far more interesting.

According to published reports, a park visitor (identified as a bystander)  called 911 on Tuesday afternoon and told police they'd seen a naked woman tied to a tree near Owen Beach. The "bystander" also reported seeing a man nearby. This discovery was enough to make the upstanding citizen suspect something was horribly wrong - leading to the 911 call.

In short order, authorities arrived at Point Defiance Park. Before long, all entrances and exits were blocked, and police were investigating -  looking, we suppose, for the naked woman tied to a tree or any signs of foul play. The Internet waited with bated breath for news.

Soon, it was revealed both parties in the sordid, tied-up-to-a-tree nakedness had been contacted, and the details were being "sorted out." The sigh of relief was probably audible, as the sorting out of details rarely means the discovery of a gruesome sexual crime. After the sigh came peaked interest.

What exactly was being "sorted out"?

After a few curious moments - where speculation once again ran rampant at Weekly Volcano World Headquarters (this time, though, speculation unfit for print), the Internet reports were updated and exactly what happened became a little clearer.

According to Tacoma Police spokesman Mark Fulghum, both parties had, indeed, been "contacted" by police after the initial 911 call. However, what the "bystander" had seen was a naked woman, a man nearby, and a tree - but it was a "consensual rendezvous in the park," according to Fulghum.

Well, consensual between everyone but the tree, we suppose. Trees can't have consensual sex. - PDA Jones, Public Sex Crimes Correspondent

Making it easy

ISSUE DATE: April 1, 2010

According to published reports, on Friday, March 26, a 56-year-old resident of the McNeil Island Special Commitment Center (SCC) for sex offenders was convicted of two crimes: conspiracy to distribute cocaine and witness tampering. The jury found Lawrence Williams guilty of both crimes in less than two hours - crimes committed right there inside the cozy McNeil Island SCC.

According to reports of the case laid out against Williams by federal prosecutors, he was a master manipulator - even by phone. Williams started by calling chat lines with his phone privileges, and convincing women to help him without revealing his less-than-appealing place of residence. Using different stories, once portraying himself as a firefighter, the women were coerced into helping Williams acquire drugs to distribute at SCC.

As part of a bigger manipulation, Williams seduced a former SCC nurse (since fired) into a relationship. The nurse provided Williams with $250,000 to aid in his criminal operation, which he reportedly used to seduce other women into smuggling porn and crack into the SCC for him.

Amazingly, Williams was also able to persuade a substantial number of  women into appearing in homemade porn videos, which - get this! - Williams directed by phone from the SCC! Williams would then use the videos as leverage over the women, saying he'd turn the tapes over to their employer if they didn't keep helping him.

After the entire operation was uncovered (a massive endeavor that included an employee in the SCC mailroom), Williams called one of his female accomplices and told her to lie to the FBI and get rid of a car that he'd purchased for her - resulting in the witness tampering charge.

That plan, like all the rest of it, eventually backfired on him - though it was a hell of a run.

Williams now faces up to 40 years for his convictions. - Wete Pentz, Hard-to-Fathom Crime Correspondent

Tased by love

ISSUE DATE: June 17, 2010

Yelm is known for many things, but smarts isn't one of them. I do apologize to any Yelm residents who may be reading this, but even you - Yelm's literate handful - would probably agree. There's a lot of stupidity in your neck of the woods.

Take for example this headline from komonews.com's Yelm "Community Page," which (along with other published reports) the Weekly Volcano will be almost wholly ripping off for this week's Ragnet.

"Yelm man tased after deputy interrupts pair having sex."

It doesn't exactly scream intelligence, does it? But let's be fair. A community can't be defined by only one headline. Surely, there must be other headlines on komonews.com's Yelm website that reveal the area's virtues, right?

Right?

Maybe not:

"Witness shoots man taking drainage pipe."

"Man dies after jumping from casino parking garage."

"Man mistakenly donates $6K to garage sale."

Damn, yo. It's almost as though Yelm single-handedly proves Darwin wrong. But I digress.

According to published reports, early on the morning of Tuesday, June 8, a Thurston County sheriff's deputy responded to a loud music complaint near the 14000 block of Vail Cutoff Road. It was shortly after 2 a.m.

As the deputy approached the residence in his squad car, his lights caught what had to be a fairly shocking sight, even in Yelm: Two buck-ass naked partiers having sex on the lawn.

Good times.

Naturally, in an effort to "protect and serve," the deputy approached the lovemaking couple on the lawn, who were frantically looking for their clothes at this point, and asked for identification. Both were extremely intoxicated, according to the police report, and the deputy's request for ID set the female copulation conspirator shrieking and running for the woods. It caused 21-year-old Patrick Bergin (the other half of the lawn-sex duo) to unwisely approach the sheriff's deputy and ignore commands to sit down.

You know what happened next. According to published reports, when Bergin refused to obey orders and continued approaching even after he was told to stop, the responding deputy interpreted this as Bergin "taking an aggressive stance" - and so he did what any trained law enforcement officer would do:

He tased his ass.

Amazingly, however, the tasing failed to faze Bergin, who reportedly ripped the taser barbs out of his chest and continued approaching the deputy.

Luckily for all involved, the second tasing, which struck Bergin in the arm, did the trick, and the lovemaking outlaw was finally subdued. Soon after, Bergin was arrested and charged with third-degree assault.

While it may seem like a night to forget for Bergin, let us not forget that at least he did score a sweet piece of ass on the lawn before everything went wrong.

It could have been worse. He could have mistakenly donated $6K to a garage sale.

That would have been really dumb. - Margie "Grass Stains" Jenkins, Outdoor Sex Crime Correspondent

Dynamic drunk duo

ISSUE DATE: Nov. 18, 2010

According to published reports, military police spotted a couple driving erratically on northbound Interstate 5 in the early morning hours of Sunday, Nov. 14. The report says military police witnessed the vehicle making what they described as "severe lane changes."

After witnessing this allegedly dangerous driving, military police contacted the Washington State Patrol, and the vehicle was eventually pulled over in front of an apartment complex near 10th Avenue Court and 112th Avenue East, which just happened to be the apartment complex of the married couple found inside the car.

According to reports, the responding Washington State Patrol officer was quickly able to determine both husband and wife (the husband was behind the wheel) were intoxicated, having spent the evening celebrating the husband's recent return from deployment. Armed with this information, the WSP officer arrested the 21-year-old husband on suspicion of driving under the influence, while his also-legally-intoxicated wife was allowed to go home with only a warning. While this may raise some eyebrows, it is important to note the traffic stop occurred literally right in front of the couple's apartment complex.

As is usually the chain of events in such instances, the husband was taken to a State Patrol office in Tacoma for processing - no doubt spending his time in the back of the squad car contemplating how stupid he'd been. Little did he know his wife was about to outdo him.

After processing the recently-returned serviceman, the arresting State Patrol officer escorted the young reveler outside for his release. One would figure this to be the end of the story, but amazingly - on this night of festivities - it wasn't.

In what had to be a shock (not to mention one of the more idiotic things he's ever witnessed), the State Patrol officer found the man's wife waiting for him outside - driving a different car than the one the couple had originally been stopped in, but still allegedly loaded.

This time she didn't get off so easy.

State Patrol officers stopped the woman - in their parking lot - and arrested her on suspicion of drunken driving (the same charge her husband had just received).

For those playing at home, that's one couple, two DUIs and a whole lot of dumb. - Gabe Kotter, Welcome Back-Related Crime Correspondent

Saving the day

ISSUE DATE: Oct. 7, 2010

The costume party season may already be in full swing in Centralia, where, according to published reports, police were called to a local motorhome over the weekend when 911 callers complained of a suspected prowler. According to the Volcano's questionable investigative journalism, motorhome prowling is a big problem in the Centralia area, where residents have even started to wear Winnebago-beige ribbons in honor of all the motorhomes prowled over the last few years.

Seeing as motorhome prowling is such a vicious problem in Centralia, police immediately responded to the calls. However, instead of catching a prowling mastermind in the act, when authorities arrived at the motorhome in question they found something much more laughable.

According to the local papers, police told Centralia area radio station KITI that instead of a prowler, officers encountered a 28-year-old man in a Green Power Ranger costume inside the motorhome. He appeared lost and disoriented, and (shocking development!) had apparently been drinking.

When questioned, the superhero of binge drinking told police he'd been dropped off at the wrong house by friends after a party (cue: "That's What Friends are For").

Since police realized the 28-year-old Power Ranger was forbidden by rule to use his powers for personal gain or to escalate a fight, they arrested him on investigation of trespassing.

That, and he was totally smashed and hanging out in someone else's motorhome. - Titanium Ranger, Superhero Crime Correspondent