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Super Bowl XLVI plan for success

Getting it right on Super Sunday makes all the difference

Super Bowl XLVI fail

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There's not a country on the map at this point where the Super Bowl isn't a big deal.

OK, maybe Moldova. I have no idea what goes on in Moldova.

But everywhere else this Sunday's big game, pitting the Tom Brady-led, Bill Belichick-coached New England Patriots against the Eli Manning-led, Tom Coughlin-coached New York Giants, is a gigantic fucking deal. The kind of thing people erect cold-cut sculptures for. The kind of day when memories and flatulence are made.

Super Bowl XLVI, to be played in idyllic Indianapolis, Ind. (no seriously), is a rematch of Super Bowl XLII. Only about half as sexy. And minus a "V".

On the Intrigue Scale (which is scientific - you can tell by the capitalization), Sunday's Super Bowl ranks at about a four. That's somewhere between anything Jason Alexander did after Seinfeld and Jurassic Park 4.

It's going to be a real doozey.

How could it not be? On one side, you've got Tom Brady accompanied by his cast of hulking tight ends and general misfits - all under the direction of the immensely likeable Bill Belichick. Unless you're from Boston, the Patriots, as a team, are a team about as much fun to root for as the spread of venereal disease.

And on the other sideline you have the New York Giants - with Peyton's little brother who can't seem to keep his mouth shut at quarterback and a whole lot less underdog kitsch this time around, having won the Super Bowl with a similar late-season run only four years ago. At this point it's just kind of annoying and aggravating to see the Giants play so well this late in the year, having seen the very same squad look so sad and lifeless on a somewhat regular basis throughout the regular season. (Seahawks fans remember how bad the Giants have looked at times this year, right?) When it comes to pulling for the G-Men, It's hard not to say, "Fuck you guys. Where was this in Week 11?"

Despite this glaring lack of appeal, the Super Bowl will be played this weekend and you will watch. Everyone will watch, whether it's only for the lame-ass commercials or not. That's the thing about the Super Bowl - it's as much a National Holiday as it is a sporting event. You might as well embrace it. As a wise man once said, "Buy the ticket, take the ride."

With that in mind, here are 11 tips for certain Super Bowl XLVI success:

Remember - Madonna is this year's halftime performer. Sixty-seven year old Madonna (give or take a year or two). Spend a moment to visualize what that's likely to look like - 67-year-old Madonna performing during halftime of the Super Bowl. Ask yourself, frankly, if you're ready for it. If you're not, and many won't be, do everything you can to avoid the TV during halftime - graze at the meat platter or find a different room all together. What you see on the screen is going to be shocking.

As all proud citizens of this fine country realize, if you watch the Super Bowl on anything smaller than a 60-inch television you've failed as an American. Plan your viewing accordingly. If you find yourself watching the Patriots and Giants on a scrawny 40-inch television it means the terrorists have won. Literally. They'll hold a ticker-tape victory parade right after the Super Bowl MVP announces he's going to Disneyland. Don't let this happen.

Real party animals may be enticed by the Eli Manning Drinking Game, in which participants take a drink every time the Giants' quarterback looks befuddled or shrugs listlessly.

If you find yourself in mixed company, and you're a Patriots fan, be mindful of the fact everyone else hates the shit out of your team. Save the gloating dynasty celebrations for the privacy of your own home, please. Thanks.

Wear pants that look good with Doritos smudges on them. Preferably something in the cargo variety, so you have a free pocket into which to shove your self-respect after ingesting your four-thousandth calorie of the day.

The Super Bowl is designed to be a full-day experience - which is why the game lasts roughly seven hours counting commercials, the shitty halftime spectacle and a mangled National Anthem. If you throw in the pre- and post-game shows, and the post-post-game show on NFL Network, it becomes obvious we're looking at a major time and energy investment here. Stay loose and hydrated. And by "hydrated" I mean consider temporarily switching to light beer. It's going to be a long day.

Keep in mind that no matter what the gender makeup of the room you watch the Super Bowl in, roughly 37-percent of the people that surround you will have enjoyed a sexual fantasy involving Tom Brady at some point in their life. Far fewer people in your company will have fantasized about Wes Welker.

Avoid wagering on the game, if at all possible. It only makes those around you wonder if you have a serious gambling problem. If it's not possible for you to avoid wagering on the game, you actually do have a serious gambling problem.

If you wear a hooded sweatshirt - a hoodie as the kids like to call them - don't be surprised if the people you watch the game with tirelessly make jokes about how you look like a member of the Patriots' coaching staff. Just coldly stare back at them. Then video tape them during their most revealing moments and use this to best them down the road. Then look at anyone who asks you a question about this tactic like they're a complete idiot.

If porn star Bibi Jones wants to wear your favorite shirt and put some pictures up on Twitter, and you're cool with that, don't be surprised if this has ramifications for you at work. This has nothing to do with watching the Super Bowl, but it's still sound advice.

Cheese will make you fat. It will also make you happy. It's your call.

With that, enjoy Super Bowl XLVI.

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