STRIKE ONE

Two embarrassing escapades, more than anything else, have solidified this column's niche. If it wasn't for Brett Favre's text-messaged junk and Tiger Woods' unyielding desire for Ambien sex with Perkin's waitresses, the Cup Check column may have never gotten off the ground. It may have never found its dozen or so faithful readers. And it may have never provided me with a legitimate reason for spending hours searching sports sites online at work.

What a sad, sad world that would be.

Yes, I've lived off the fruit of Tiger and Favre. Feasted even. I've reaped the benefits of their collective idiocy and egoism. I've made jokes about both their genitals. The times have been good.

But the infatuation has to stop - on all fronts. For the good of society, we must let the Tiger scandal go. Even me ... even this column.

It starts with the media. At least I think it has to.

You're no doubt familiar by now with the interview caddie Steve Williams gave after manning the bag for WGC-Bridgestone Invitational winner Adam Scott. Williams, of course, caddied for Tiger Woods for 13 of his 14 major titles before being fired in July. He was later hired by Scott, helping the Australian to victory last weekend.

Sunday, standing alongside the 18th green after the win, Williams was asked to do an interview with CBS - the type of request he regularly refused during his time working for Woods.

This time, however, emotions got the best of the caddie.

"Honestly that's the best week of my life," Williams questionably told reporters. "I've caddied for 33 years and 145 wins and that's the best win I've ever had."

Yeah, OK. The chances of last weekend's victory actually being the best of Williams' career seem unlikely at best. But we know what's going on here. Dude's taking a shot at Tiger. Presented the opportunity, in the heat of the moment, Williams stuck it to Woods. This isn't shocking stuff, considering how he was recently fired. Poor form, maybe, but that's about it. You better believe CBS knew what it was after with the interview.

But why, days after it happened, is this STILL a story? Why won't it go away?

Because the media thinks you, Gentle Reader, are as infatuated with Tiger's demise as they are.

Are you?

STRIKE TWO

Oh for fuck's sake. If I'm forced to give up Favre and the Woods sex fiasco, at least there will still be Chad Ochocinco.

This week the brash, sadly ridiculous Ochocinco - a new member of the New England Patriots - told reporters he plans to move in with a Boston-area Pats fans for the first two or three weeks of the season, until he can acclimate himself to the area and learn his way around. The interview was widely carried and commented on by all the major sports news outlets. (The story I read was on ESPNBoston.com by Mike Reiss.)

Ochocinco was quoted as saying his only requirements for this new potential roommate are an Internet connection and an Xbox.

Will he go through with it? Probably. Living one stunt to the next is Ochocinco's only gimmick at this point. Even Patriots' receiver Deion Branch told ESPN reporters that, "we talk about that nonsense" all the time in the locker room, and to "stay tuned."

Nonsense is just one good word for it.

STRIKE THREE

In case you haven't sensed the suffering mope in my words over the last few years, I am - in fact - a Denver Broncos fan.

My Broncos fandom means I'm also mired in The Tebow Thing. Like anyone who flips to ESPN from time to time, or ganders at NFL.com, I'm constantly force fed news on Tebow's ups and (mainly) downs at this year's Broncos training camp. Why? Because people love them some Tebow. Why? Well, that's perhaps a better question. ...

Even if The Tebow Thing manages to completely derail the Broncos' season (and we'd need to define "derail," as the Broncos were 4-12 last year), it has still been entertaining to see the crazies come out of the woodwork.

One of the best Tebow-related gems I've stumbled upon recently comes via Deadspin.com, which on Monday posted a handwritten letter from a fellow Denver Broncos fan named John (Hi John - your batshit crazy!) sent to new Broncos' wide receiver David Anderson.

Naturally, the letter was intended for Tebow. ...

"The Broncos did not hire Tim Tebow to catch baseballs behind home plate. They didn't hire him to "arc-weld" goal posts, nor to skateboard in front of their fans. So why does he wear his baseball cap on backwards?" the letter opens, concluding with, "Clothes don't make the man, but they surely can unmake him."

DUMB JOCK(S) OF THE WEEK

This week we're taking a leap of faith by classifying car racing as a "sport," and the mechanics and tire-changers that make those cars go as "jocks." Just play along ...

News flash: Mechanics and garage type dudes sometimes smoke dope. So it wasn't too terribly surprising when two Earnhardt Ganassi Racing employees were arrested earlier this week for trafficking marijuana. According to reports on ESPN.com quoting the Huntersville (N.C.) Police Department, 40-year-old Trevor Lynse (a front-tire changer for Juan Pablo Montoya's Sprint Cup team) and Jerome David Frey (a mechanic for Earnhardt Ganassi Racing) were each charged Tuesday with marijuana-related offenses, stemming from the seizure of 10.5 pounds of ganja shipped out of California through a national carrier. Police say the pot was confiscated during an investigation of the two high profile grease monkeys.

What they didn't say is the decision to ship 10.5 pounds of dope through a "national carrier" made things REALLY easy on them, but I suppose that goes without saying.