STRIKE ONE

Why was the Cup Check column missing from the Volcano last week? What was behind the somewhat suspicious and unannounced vacation? Who's running this show?

There are a lot of theories ...

One rumor I can quash from the start is this one: The MIA status of this ill-conceived regular feature had nothing to do with its author's silent yet crippling heartache over the loss of one Matthew Hasselbeck. Sure, Hasselbeck seemed like a likable enough dude, and it's always kind of fun to root for the pasty bald guy who doesn't really look like an athlete, but I don't even like the Seahawks. I could care less if the Pete & John Show shipped Hasselbeck out of town. In fact, I almost got a kick out of it ... except for the part where I had to listen to sports talk radio debate the Hawks' best quarterback of all time - Dave Krieg or Hasselbeck? Jesus. How flaccid and depressing is THAT debate?

(FACT REVEALED WHILE GOOGLING: Did you know Seahawks General Manager John Schneider has the same name as original blonde Dukes of Hazard star John Schneider? #Fact)

One of the more plausible explanations for Cup Check's mysterious absence is that I'd been signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. Sadly, I'm part of the small minority of people who didn't recently ink a deal with the team.

Or, like Lofa Tatupu, maybe the Weekly Volcano asked me to rework my contract? Maybe they wanted me to take less money because of my aging body and waning skills? Maybe I got pissed and wouldn't do it?

Maybe I got traded to the Browns but refused to report?

Maybe I retired like Randy Moss? Or maybe I got shipped to the Patriots, where Belichick isn't worried my bad attitude will infect the locker room?

Or maybe I just took the week off? Tough to say ...

STRIKE TWO

This week in, "The Stupid Pompous Shit Only Professional Athletes Can Get Away With": NASCAR's Kyle Busch is attempting to restore a little bit of sheen to his name. After being busted going 128 mph in a 45 mph back in May, Busch is looking to turn that embarrassing negative into a positive. Busch has pledged to help 10 schools put more than 300 teens through the B.R.A.K.E.S. (Be Responsible and Keep Everyone Safe) program - described by ESPN as a nonprofit "that teaches teens and their parents safe driving." Busch also plans to appear in several public service announcements promoting B.R.A.K.E.S.

In case you've forgotten the circumstances that led to this amazing act of unheralded generosity and concern for humanity, Busch was charged May 24 with careless and reckless driving and speeding after being clocked going 128 mph on a rural road in North Carolina. He has a hearing set for later this month. If convicted, Busch faces the possibility of being found guilty of a second-class misdemeanor, meaning a maximum punishment of up to 60 days in jail and suspension of license for up to 12 months.

Of course, that's not going to happen. Because he's Kyle fucking Busch.

Still, he'd like to save some face - so he's teaming with B.R.A.K.E.S.

According to the ESPN account:

Busch hopes his story will help keep teens from putting themselves in a similar situation that could threaten their safety and the safety of others.

You know ... the story of a spoiled-ass NASCAR driver blatantly ignoring the law and public safety until it leads to a PR headache, who then tries to trick the public into thinking he's not a dillhole by doing PSA's for B.R.A.K.E.S.

That should scare kids straight.

STRIKE THREE

There are few ways to get hated in Portland, Ore., faster than by hitting a bicyclist with your SUV.

However, one of those ways is by hitting former NFL quarterback and Oregon Ducks standout Joey Harrington on his bike with your SUV. It's like adding insult to injury. Much like Derek Jensen, Prefontaine and anyone who's ever played with Menomena, Harrington is a pretty popular guy in Portland. He's involved with charity work and does other good shit that I'm sure the Washington Husky fans reading this column care very little about.

That's why it was particularly troubling to the PDX populace when news broke that Harrington had been struck on his bike by 26-year-old Derek Johnston on Sunday night. Luckily, Reuters reports Harrington was wearing a helmet, but he didn't escape completely without injury. The story says Harrington broke his clavicle and a rib and punctured a lung. Johnston was cited by police for following too close.

Tuesday, Harrington was moved out of intensive care at Portland's Oregon Health and Science University Hospital. In an interview with Reuters, Harrington's father notes that the former quarterback is, "probably not real happy that he won't be able to play golf for a while."

Sadly, the cited driver was not quoted as saying, "I just don't know what happened. Maybe I was blinded by his 69.4 career NFL passer rating?"

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

Ah geez. Now Yankees third basemen Alex Rodriguez is being investigated for his alleged involvement in at least two underground high-stakes poker games - games which, according to ESPN, included big-name stars like Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. The report indicates that one of the games Rodriguez is said to have possibly attended took place at the Beverly Hills mansion of a record executive, where cocaine was used openly and the game nearly turned violent. ESPN notes that RadarOnline.com was the first outlet to report the accusations, and says Major League Baseball is taking the situation "very seriously" - noting Rodriguez faces a possible suspension if linked to the games, partly because he's been warned before about his involvement in underground poker games.