STRIKE ONE

Like most weeks here at Cup Check, there's no shortage of fodder. It seems like everywhere you look there's a new story to be had that's perfect for this space. Headlines like "Star receiver stabbed by wife, blames vase," "Haynesworth uses waitress' rack as credit card swiper," "NCAA says Fiesta Bowl funded lap dances won't impact judgment of those deciding Fiesta Bowl's fate" and "Big fat Rex Ryan ‘writes' big fat book" have been more than enough to keep me busy.

But, in Cup Check's never ending quest to increase its "worldly" appeal, we'll start this week with soccer, a sport Europeans often mistakenly refer to as football.

According to a story by the Associated Press, Danish soccer coach Ove Christensen was fired this week by Randers after he got pissed off and decided to smack a TV interviewer following a 4-0 loss to Brondby. Randers is currently in 10th place in the 12-team Danish league.

Reports of the embarrassing assault go something like this: Christensen becomes agitated when asked after the match whether he could/should/would stay on as coach. He responds by saying he will not answer "stupid questions." He then hits reporter Rasmus Lund on the right shoulder and tromps off.

According to the AP story, Randers team spokesman Ib Rasmussen said Tuesday that Christensen was canned for the team's overall poor performance, not the post-match blowup.

But let's be honest. It probably didn't help.

STRIKE TWO

Honestly, there are few things I love in the world more than a Jay Cutler story ... unless we're talking about Jay Cutler the bodybuilder. Bodybuilders f***ing freak me out. I'm not even joking.

Jay Cutler the NFL quarterback, on the other hand, is pretty much my favorite person in the world to rip. My eyes light up like a child's on Christmas morning at the prospect of shoveling crap on top of Cutler's already soiled reputation. The guy's a Grade-A douchebag. He's the kind of arrogant prick that makes you hope your kids have zero athletic talent, just so there's no chance they could ever grow up to act like the kind of entitled, baby-fat dips*** Cutler comes off like 99 percent of the time.

The way Cutler pouted his way out of the NFC Championship Game this year was one of the more satisfying moments sports has given me in recent memory. As you'll remember, the Bears went on to lose to the eventual Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers, and Cutler was vilified for his nonchalance in injury and defeat. His toughness was openly questioned. Behind closed doors, his ugliness and multiple chins are always questioned.

Sadly, however, Cutler seems to be getting on with his life, as it was reported this week by E! Entertainment that the signal caller recently became engaged to reality TV star(?) Kristin Cavallari - she of The Hills semi-fame. According to the report Cutler popped the question during a recent surprise trip to Cabo San Lucas (which we can only assume is one of the few destinations Cutler can frequent without being peppered by questions about why he's such a pussy).

For those who don't follow such things, E! has chronicled the Cutler/Cavallari whirlwind romance, which is less than a year old.

From August of last year:

According to a Chi-town source, the footballer, 27, has had a longstanding crush on K. Cav, 23, and arranged a meeting with the reality star after his pre-season game against the Arizona Cardinals Saturday (her ex's Matt Leinart‘s team!).

"They really hit it off," the source tells E! News. "He's crazy about her and she thinks he's cute." ...

The two then had their first official date Monday night in Chicago going on a group date to Angels and Kings bar, where they were "kissing all night."

In fairness to all involved, if Cavallari (K. Cav) can marry Cutler even after he totally bitched out of the NFC Championship Game, it must really be love.

STRIKE THREE

Perhaps the only thing I enjoy more than making fun of Jay Cutler is poking fun at Raiders fans. At least when they're not around. When they are around they usually scare the crap out of me. There's just something about neck tattoos. ...

But since there are no Raider fans in my vicinity at the moment (I threw a carton of cigarettes and some homemade shanks into the parking lot to distract them), it's worth sharing a recent report from KCRA 3 News out of Sacramento.

According to a story originally posted on KCRA.com, on April 24, police in Lodi, California arrested a 42-year-old man in a Raiders jacket and a G-string for suspicion of being under the influence of methamphetamine. While that alone may not be out of the ordinary, there is slightly more to the story:

"Officers responded to a call in the area of Beckman Road just north of Harney Lane where a man later identified as (Shawn) Batie was found standing in the dirt next to the cemetery with a flashlight, yelling in the dark.

Police said that Batie was wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals. He was also wearing socks."

Naturally, once confined within the jail Batie reportedly smeared his feces all over the walls.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

We're almost out of space this week, so we'll have to keep the Dumb Jock shout-out brief. Major props go to Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall for getting stabbed with a kitchen knife by his wife this week, then telling cops he actually fell on a "broken glass vase." Luckily, Marshall's injuries weren't life threatening. However, if all was right in the world, his stupidity would be. Try Googling this guy's list of off-field troubles. It's one of the most impressive and dysfunctional rap sheets ever compiled.