STRIKE ONE

Perhaps the most anti-climatic justified crucifixion of a disgraced athlete in the history of mankind is happening in a San Francisco courtroom as you read this. Do you care? Probably not. And why would you? It's also probably the most pointless spectacle since this year's NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

Though Barry Bonds and the oddly large head he carried late into his career haven't played professional baseball in some time, Opening Day is in the air. Even more important to this column, Bonds, the major league record holder in career home runs and home runs in a season, is just now going to trial for perjury and obstruction of justice, charged with lying to a federal grand jury when he told them he'd never knowingly used performance-enhancing drugs. (Insert your own joke here while I search for synonyms for "bacne.")

Bonds' trial has already been marred by low points for the one-time hero, but undoubtedly the lowest of the low came when the slugger's former mistress, Kimberly Bell, testified Monday that Bonds' testicles had shrank toward the end of their nine-year relationship.

In an ironic twist, according to ESPN that testimony has now come under fire, as Bell also conceded on the witness stand Monday that SHE'D LIED to a federal grand jury when she told them Bonds' testicles had shrunk by half. In truth, she clarified Monday, Bonds' testicles had merely, "shrank and changed shape, but not as dramatically as portrayed before the grand jury," according to ESPN.

No word on whether Bonds and Bell frequented Polar Bear Plunges or cold rooms.

STRIKE TWO

Mike Krzyzewski may have the face of my grandmother, but he's no Uncle Tom.

Or something.

Perhaps you've heard by now of the recent documentary on the University of Michigan's "Fab 5" men's basketball team from the early '90s. The team included Chris Webber (famous for his dumbass timeout), Juwan Howard and ESPN analyst Jalen Rose, who was also an executive producer of the production. In the documentary, Rose is quoted as saying, "I hated Duke and I hated everything Duke stood for. Schools like Duke didn't recruit players like me. I felt like they only recruited black players that were Uncle Toms."

The comment unleashed a firestorm of sorts, even inspiring former Duke star Grant Hill to send off a well-written rebuttal printed in The New York Times (Hill has no doubt had plenty of time to perfect his prose while rehabbing his eleventy-seventy major injuries).

Tuesday, Coach K, perhaps still bitter after Duke's recent ousting by Arizona in the NCAA Tournament, got a little nastier than his Mrs. Doubtfire complexion usually facilitates.

"They had a heck of a run but, they didn't leave anything, they didn't establish anything there," Krzyzewski told The Waddle & Silvy Show on ESPN 1000 in Chicago. "The guys that I had established something that Jay Williams continued to do 10 years later - the standards of what it meant to be a Duke basketball player." 

Coincidentally, ESPN also reported this week that Jalen Rose was arrested for DUI earlier this month in West Bloomfield Township, Michigan.

Thus proving he probably still couldn't get into Duke.

STRIKE THREE

What's an NFL off-season without idle players being idiots and firing guns in the air?

A sadly slow week here at Cup Check, I say.

Luckily, this week there was Tampa Bay Bucs cornerback Aqib Talib, who had a felony warrant issued against him by police in a suburb of Dallas. According to ESPN, Talib, a first-round draft pick of the Bucs in 2008, is accused of firing a gun at his sister's boyfriend. ...

With his mom.

It's true. Not only was a warrant issued for Talib, but his mom - Okolo Talib - also faces charges in the crime. According to ESPN, Dallas-area police involved with the case say both suspects, mother and son, fired shots in the boyfriend's direction.

Solid family.

Coincidentally (or not), Talib served a one-game suspension at the beginning of last season after getting into an altercation with a taxi driver in 2009. As a result, he entered a pretrial diversion program and underwent anger management counseling (obviously worked). Talib later reached a settlement with the taxi driver, which likely didn't include an autographed jersey.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

Three cheers for former Fiesta Bowl CEO John Junker (real name), fired this week by the Fiesta Bowl's Board of Trustees after an internal investigation uncovered evidence that (among other misdeeds) he'd repeatedly taken consultants to Phoenix's Bourbon Street strip club, which bills itself as "World Famous." All of this strip club action happened on the Fiesta Bowl's dime, naturally, including one trip in 2008 that totaled roughly $1,200.

According to Deadspin, documents involved with the investigation indicate Junker legitimately tried to defend these trips during the investigation, saying, "We are in the business where big strong athletes are known to attend these types of establishments. It was important for us to visit and we certainly conducted business."