STRIKE ONE

First and foremost, it's good to be back. As you may have noticed (surely only while thumbing through this silly rag for the kick ass crossword), Cup Check has taken the last two weeks off. Sadly, I wasn't vacationing in Hawaii or sipping Mai Tais poolside in Cancun - I was reproducing. My wife and I were thrilled last week to bring a baby boy into this messed up world of ours (August Henry Driscoll, if you want to get specific). And though it might not quite rival a sunny resort getaway, it was still pretty cool.

Even better, my boy already has a more NFL-ready throwing arm than Tim Tebow, so things are looking up. ...

Moving on to the business at hand, let's tackle the world of sports in the bleak post-football, pre-March Madness void.

When particularly desperate moments arise, I like to find solace in the world of Midwest track and field and poor journalism.

According to the Hawk Central - a website that covers University of Iowa Hawkeyes sports news - UI high jumper Graham C. Valdes is either a guy heading down the wrong path and running with the wrong crowd, or a student athlete whose high-jumping skills (he placed sixth at the Big 10 Championships last year) are only part of his overall awesomeness.

He's either a total lame-ass or on the fast track to cult hero status.

Sadly, based on the write-up, it's tough to tell.

Here are the facts: Valdes was definitely arrested recently and charged with assault. This assault definitely happened at a downtown Iowa City liquor store named Sauced (which is definitely rad). And police definitely allege Valdes struck another man over the head with a champagne bottle, producing cuts that required stitches.

This is where things get murky.

According to Hawk Central, "The (guy on the wrong end of the champagne bottle) told police a tall, redheaded man hit him with a bottle as he was trying to exit the store after his friend had urinated in the store, police said."

Huh?

Chew on that one for a while.

STRIKE TWO

While much has been made about the money the U.S. House of Representatives would like to STOP spending on Planned Parenthood (having recently voted to cut all federal funding for it), the money they WOULD like to continue spending is also worth taking a look at.

Specifically, the House of Representatives voted late last week to continue spending taxpayer money on the sponsorship of NASCAR race teams by the Army, Air Force and National Guard. The vote happened on Friday, to be exact - the very same day of the Planned Parenthood vote.

According to the Associated Press, an effort led by Minnesota Democratic Rep. Betty McCollum to discontinue the practice was defeated 281-148, predominantly along party lines. The AP story cited a total of approximately $7 million dollars spent yearly by the Army alone on such sponsorships, according to aides of McCollum. The armed forces contend the sponsorships help attract recruits. The story notes that the "Navy and Marine Corps dropped their NASCAR sponsorships in recent years, saying they didn't know whether they worked."

STRIKE THREE

You know it's a slow time of year when a minor-league hockey game between the Colorado Eagles and the Mississippi RiverKings (Wait! What? They play hockey in Mississippi?) makes the Cup Check radar, but that's just what's happened this week.

According to espn.com, Colorado Eagles assistant coach Greg Pankewicz went absolutely berserk last Saturday during a regular season Central Hockey League contest. Apparently enraged at a linesman (the ESPN story says for the lineman's "conduct towards a player"), Pankewicz definitely let the situation get the best of him - starting with standard crazed screaming, moving into suit jacket removal and (of course) throwing ... with continued crazed screaming and finishing at nothing short of one of the worst strip teases ever recorded in the history of grainy, wobbly, cell phone video (thanks, YouTube!).

ESPN described the event as such:

Colorado Eagles assistant coach Greg Pankewicz was suspended for the rest of the Central Hockey League regular season and fined an undisclosed amount for his strip-down during a Feb. 19 game against the Mississippi RiverKings.

That's hot.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

A big, douchey, Von Dutch trucker hats off to Chicago Blackhawk Patrick Kane, who missed a couple practices last week with what the team described as "flu-like symptoms."

The only trouble?

Kane missed practice Monday and Tuesday, but according to Deadspin, the expensive V-neck-loving winger was out partying and "drinking Sambuca and buying Jägermeister shots for folks," Sunday night at a Chicago area bar.

How did Deadspin know this to be true, and, specifically, know about the V-necks?

The pictures ... that are all over the Internet now.

Sounds like quite a hangover.