STRIKE ONE

As the saying goes, timing REALLY IS everything. Just ask former University of Nebraska basketball player Christian Standhardinger.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that a late-night Nebraska tryst has cost the 21-year-old the chance to transfer to La Salle University.

According to reports, Standhardinger (you'll see the irony of his name in a moment) was ticketed for public indecency in the hours before dawn Sunday morning - he was found engaged in a "sex act" with a 19-year-old in a Lincoln, Nebraska park. His "accomplice" was also cited during the embarrassing episode.

Although La Salle coach John Giannini announced Standhardinger's transfer Tuesday, he soon changed his tune, apparently sending the message that having sex in a park wont be tolerated on his team ... even if it happened while trapped in Nebraska. Giannini was quoted as saying it would be "in the best interest of all parties that Christian Standhardinger does not attend La Salle University."

Somewhere, John Cougar Mellencamp is outraged. What in the Jack and Diane is this world coming to!?!

STRIKE TWO

Hometown Seahawks fans know by now NFC West Champion offensive coordinator Jeremy Bates was fired shortly after the team's season-ending loss at Chicago. Within hours of that announcement, it was also learned the Hawks will be bringing in former Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable to school the offensive line.

Apparently the Hawks weren't concerned with contacting Cable's former employers for a reference. ...

Because, if they were, they would have got one very old, senile and lizard-like Al Davis stammering on the rotary phone, probably a very similar scene to the one that developed with cameras rolling Tuesday during Davis' press conference to announce the hiring of Hue Jackson as Raiders head coach.

According to reports in The Oakland Tribune and Contra Costa Times, in a press conference that lasted a grueling 110 minute, Davis spent the first 10 minutes introducing Jackson, before turning the event into "a walk through the Raiders' troubled past, with Davis saving Cable's woes for the grand finale."

Haven't we seen this before? Paging Lane Kiffin. ...

"Storytime with Al drifted into the far reaches of Cable's legal turmoil that accompanied his first year as head coach," The Oakland Tribune/Contra Cost Times story continues. "Davis brought up the incident of Cable allegedly breaking assistant coach Randy Hanson's jaw, and then came the confusing barrage of allegations regarding Cable's treatment of women."

In addition to his alleged scuffle with Hanson, Cable has faced at least one lawsuit and allegations from an ex-wife that he has a history of domestic abuse. While Davis obviously found this troubling (enough to fine Cable $120,000 over the last six weeks of the season for the "wrath" he brought on the organization - a fine Cable is challenging in court), it seemed the geriatric owner was most bothered by the fact that Cable went against Raider protocol and invited a woman to accompany him on team road trips.

In the ‘70s the Raiders just snorted crank and beat up hookers with motorcycle chains on the road.

In fairness to Davis, however, the real triumph of the day was the fact that a man who looks so dead can still have so much piss and vinegar. The Oakland owner has reached the point in life where one eye is constantly full of blood and he doesn't go anywhere without a band-aid on his head -  so the fact he spent an hour and a half lacing into a former coach who he's now embroiled in a nasty legal battle with was a good sign that Al still has plenty of life left in him.

Which is good news for everyone who loves to root against the Raiders.

STRIKE THREE

Enough with the goddamn Twitter and Facebook already.

University of Kentucky men's basketball coach John Calipari was caught on camera Tuesday night directing a profanity-laced verbal tirade at freshman Terrence Jones (who University of Washington basketball fans will surely remember ... ) during his team's 68-66 loss to Alabama. ESPN reports Calipari has been discouraged by Jones' "selfish play" as of late, which included committing four turnovers in the loss and taking the final shot as time expired on a play intended for Doron Lamb.

"First of all I want to apologize for my language at the end of the game. I got caught up in the emotion of the game, but that's no excuse," Calipari Tweeted early Wednesday morning. "Sometimes you don't realize in the moment that what you're saying is on national TV. The BBN deserves better and so do my players."

What on earth did we do before social media?

DUMB JOCK PLAN OF THE WEEK

The NFL announced this week a revolutionary plan to offer fans tickets to Super Bowl XLV at Cowboys Stadium for the low, low price of only $200.

The only problem is those tickets won't actually get you inside the stadium - they'll save you a seat on a patch of grass outside the stadium where the game will be displayed on huge outdoors HD TV screens. Oh, and the tickets must be bought in packages of four.

"We've never done this before," Brian McCarthy, the NFL's vice-president of corporate communications told ESPN on Wednesday.

That's probably because it's a ridiculous idea.

However, that $200 ticket (or, rather, $800 block of tickets) will come with a free parking pass, four Super Bowl programs and four scarves.

How random are the scarves?