STRIKE ONE

Longtime Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed is a Steeler no more - cut from the team this week after a season-long slump culminated with him botching a 26-yard field goal in an embarrassing, nationally televised Sunday Night Football game against the New England Patriots. Reed was cut the following day. While it's easy to pile on Reed for his poor kicking this season (dude's was on my fantasy team, which tells you how bad my fantasy team sucks), it's even easier to pile on Reed for the douchebag he is off the field. Reed was cited by police in 2009 for disorderly conduct after going ape-shit on a paper towel dispenser in the restroom of a Sheetz convenience store in New Alexandria, Pennsylvania. He was allegedly angry because it was empty. If you need further proof of Reed's douche-ness, just Google him, or check out the picture above. It captures classic Jeff Reed.

STRIKE TWO

If there's one name synonymous with the purity and ideals of college athletics, those high and mighty institutions where the "student-athletes" are marketed as "students" first, and "athletes" second, schools where kids play for the love of the game and not the paycheck (unless they're Auburn quarterback Cam Newton), it's got to be Charles Barkley. Indeed, the unarguably fat, brash NBA Hall of Famer and gambling addict will be a part of TNT and CBS‘ joint coverage of the NCAA men's basketball tournament starting this year. It was announced earlier this week that Barkley, along with TNT cohorts like Marv "I only bite when I'm being sexy" Albert and Kenny "I can't believe I work with these two yahoos" Smith will also be included in the joint CBS/TNT basketball coverage. The news is considered final, unless Barkley gets pulled over for speeding and cited for DUI between now and then - as he did in late December '08, honestly telling police at the time he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from his female passenger. If only that was the stupidest thing Barkley has ever done. ...

STRIKE THREE

Jesus Christ! Good old-fashioned American jobs just ain't as easy to come by as they used to be. Why? Because THEY STOLE OUR JOBS! You've seen the South Park episode, right? Or something like that. Anyway, it seems Marcus Vinnerborg, who it's very unlikely you've ever heard of, became the first European referee to work an NHL game this week. A Swede (damn those job stealing, Swedes!), Vinnerborg refereed two games: Anaheim at Dallas on Tuesday and San Jose at Colorado Wednesday. We can only assume Vinnerborg is completely legal and has all the proper paperwork, as both Colorado and Texas aren't really known for being kind to foreigners that travel to this country and steal our jobs. Then again, Vinnerborg was not assigned to ref a Phoenix Coyotes game so maybe he is being protected to some extent. Of course, it's worth noting most liberals say Americans are too fat and lazy to work as NHL referees.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

In an occurrence that will surely become something fairly regular, this week's award goes not to an actual professional or collegiate athlete or coach, but merely a fan ... a drunken Chicago Bears fan. After the team's sloppy, ugly victory over Brett Favre, his penis and the entire Minnesota Vikings organization Sunday, one intoxicated Bears fan took it upon himself to scale a brontosaurs skeleton housed at Chicago's Field Museum, which sits between Soldier Field and the regional rail station.  It was an act of celebration. Sadly for humanity, the man did not fall and kill himself. 

LOCAL BLACKOUT

Legendary Seattle Mariners broadcaster Dave Niehaus passed away late last week, as you've no doubt heard by now. Niehaus was the play-by-play voice of the Mariners since the franchise's inception in 1977, and never has there been a more important figure in the history of the ball club. Niehaus was 75 when he died of a heart attack - a shock to the whole area that has led many Mariners fans to ask the simple question, "Why couldn't it have been Ron Fairly?"