Author's note: Welcome to the inaugural voyage of the Volcano's Cup Check column, which will soon be appearing every week in print and online at weeklyvolcano.com. The idea is to combine the world of sports, the world of entertainment and the world of alt - then sit back and see what happens. We're banking on something at least moderately entertaining. ...

STRIKE ONE

Saving Brett Favre's dong for the big (half flaccid) finish, let's start this week's Cup Check in Minnesota anyway, with Favre's newest teammate, the talented and always quotable Randy Moss. Never known for his work ethic or conflict resolution skills, Moss was traded from New England to Minnesota only 24 hours after the Patriot's resounding 41-14 beat-down of the Miami Dolphins on Monday Night Football - a game in which Moss was a complete non-factor and walked away with zero catches for the first time in his Patriot's career.

In the final year of his contract with the Patriots, apparently not feeling the love (or that the team wanted him back), Moss allegedly returned to the malcontent tendencies that marred the first part of his career. Earlier this year, at the Patriot's "Kickoff Gala" (a lamely-named function offering paying fans the opportunity to hang out with players), NFL.com reports Moss sat at alone at a table, refusing to take out his headphones.

Nice.

Fast forward to last week, and Moss and his bad attitude getting traded to the Vikings. Charley Casserly, one of the creepiest-looking men on TV, an analyst for CBS Sports and a former front office exec with the Texans and Redskins, wanted more. Casserly wanted drama. And he claims to have unearthed some.

Though Tom Brady and Patriots' coach Bill Belichick have denied it, Casserly reported on CBS's NFL Pregame show that, shortly before the trade, Brady and Moss - allegedly near fisticuffs in a full-on dispute over style - had to be separated in the Patriots' locker room. Casserly reported an angry Brady told Moss to shave his beard, while Moss countered with the (ironically accurate) charge that Brady's flowing locks make him look like a girl.

STRIKE TWO

As if right-minded people needed more reasons to laugh at the circus of gross absurdities the NBA has become (is anyone else starting to feel like Vince McMahon is going to get involved any minute now?), Gilbert "Don't Shoot" Arenas was back at it this week, as the nauseatingly-long NBA season launched into exhibition play.

Arenas was fined an undisclosed amount for faking a knee injury to get out of the Wizard's preseason opener Tuesday night against Atlanta, offering a lame-ass excuse to the media about wanting to give his Wizards teammate, Nick Young, a chance to start.

"I screwed up again, so I just want to say sorry," Arenas was quoted as saying in several media outlets, including espn.com. "I wasn't really thinking that this was going to be another media outburst. It's like everything I do now, someone, tit for tat, tries to blow it out of proportion.

"At the end of the day, you guys got to do your job. Even though it's not right that you guys are nitpicking everything I do, you've got a job to do and I've got a job to do."

Naturally, all those asshole journalists currently making Arenas' life so difficult were quick to point out the game would have been Arenas' first time on the court since serving a 50-game suspension - not to mention receiving a felony conviction - for packing heat in the locker room last season.

STRIKE THREE

People are either bored with baseball, have a deep hatred for Ernie Johnson or simply can't find TBS all together.

Actually, it might be all three.

Not surprisingly, the TV ratings for Major League Baseball's divisional playoff series were down 9.4 percent this year. So far TBS has a 2.9 average rating, which apparently means something to TV and media types - and apparently it isn't good.

Shocking development: Baseball's kind of boring to begin with. Throw in Ernie Johnson and the Tampa Bay Rays and it's not surprising no one's interested in watching.

Meanwhile, the NFL continued its dominance. Only one baseball team - the Philadelphia Phillies - had a better TV rating than their city's NFL counterpart. Twenty-seven percent of people in the Philadelphia area watched the Phillies last Sunday, compared to 24 percent for the Eagles.

On the other hand, and depicting the overall trend seen everywhere outside of Philly, Sunday's TBS Tampa Bay Rays-Texas Rangers drew 11.1 percent of Tampa area households, while the Buccaneers playing Cincinnati in the same time slot drew 15.1 percent.

Of course, that Week Five Bucs vs. Bengals matchup was pretty sexy.

Dumb Jock of the Week

Who other than Brett Favre, he of the illicit cell phone dong shots, could be awarded Cup Check's inaugural Dumb Jock of the Week Award?

The choice was obvious.

For capturing all four and a half Hall of Fame inches on camera, multiple times (sometimes while wearing Crocs!), and then sending it sexual harassment-style to an obviously unimpressed Jets coworker - REPEATEDLY - Brett Favre unanimously walks away with this week's honor.

I mean, I know he's Brett Favre and all, but at what point (or what beer?) does the unrequested, unexpected, fairly unimpressive dong shot start to sound like a good idea? If she's not returning your calls or come-ons, chances are that heading back to the hotel to halfheartedly beat the meat while you take pictures with your iPhone isn't going to improve the situation.

Especially while wearing Crocs!

Let this be a lesson, kids.