Nearly all of us have been there: Waking up on a couch you don’t completely recognize, possibly wrapped in some sort of dirty beach towel that smells a little like cat pee, Monarch Vodka and Red Bull spilled on your sexy jeans — and wondering what the hell happened.

Soon enough you start to remember.

The booze. The party. The embarrassment.

It was New Year’s Eve last night, you begin to recall, and you acted like a drunken moron. Now — yet again — your New Year is off to an embarrassing, regret-filled start.
But it doesn’t have to be like this in 2010. We promise.

Here are some quick tips for avoiding New Year’s Eve embarrassment. Using these rules on Dec. 31, and your own common sense, could be the best decision you’ve made all year.

Don’t blow this out of proportion

The real problem with New Year’s Eve is the hype — and people trying too desperately to make the night everything they think it should be. In truth, there’s no real reason why New Year’s Eve has to be the biggest, wildest, most memorable party of the year. Usually, truly memorable, highlight nights of your life happen organically — not because they were forced.

Basically, if you go into New Year’s Eve with the mindset that this ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE the most crazy and debaucherous night of the year, there’s a very real chance you’ll end up disappointed.

Or worse, you’ll end up blacked out in Jazzbones’ bathroom after a night of gluttonous body shots, menthol cigarettes, loud talking, and making out with strangers in Von Dutch trucker hats.

Don’t be that person this year.

Put down the phone

I know, I know; it can seem like a good idea. You’re loaded, it’s New Year’s Eve, and hell — what better time to send a drunken text message to a certain ex that, well, we all know you still have feelings for. What could possibly go wrong?

Avoid this temptation. It WILL go wrong.

Really, there’s no good time for the drunken texting of ex-lovers, and the fact it’s New Year’s Eve doesn’t somehow make it acceptable. If she dumped you because of your Playstation 3 related sexual fetishes, chances are she’s still going to be hung-up about them.

Furthermore, even if the schnapps is making you think otherwise, you don’t want to bring in the New Year with a tryst on her familiar futon — trust me. It didn’t work between you guys for a reason.

Remember how crazy she is? Remember?

Better to use New Year’s Eve as an opportunity to move on. Seriously.

Kiss strangers at your own risk

While I won’t deny sometimes it is appropriate to kiss complete strangers — or even make out with complete strangers, if the opportunity presents itself — don’t force the issue just because it’s New Year’s Eve. This can lead to extreme awkwardness in the future, or even worse mouth cooties.

When considering your New Year’s Eve kissing options, remember this general rule of thumb: If you’ve had more than your body weight in Hpnotiq, chances are you shouldn’t be making out with anyone. Even if it’s someone that already loves you — don’t do that to them. You’re not as sexy right now as you feel.

For starters, your tongue is blue.

Use discretion out there, people.

Most importantly

If you do go out and get totally hammered this New Year’s Eve, and I wouldn’t put it past you — have a designated driver or take a fucking cab home. If you follow but one of these simple suggestions, make it this one.

Don’t do it because DUIs are expensive — and a huge pain in the ass — do it because, deep down, you’re not a total idiot. 

Plus, nothing will fill your 2010 with regret faster than killing or injuring an innocent person on the road because you thought it’d be cool to drive.