You might not know this (because you might be a Communist), but the Tacoma Rainiers will open the 2009 season at Cheney Stadium Friday night with a game against the Sacramento River Cats. I had a chance to chat via e-mail this week with Rainiers President Aaron Artman about what to expect at the ballpark this summer — its 50th.



WEEKLY VOLCANO: Baseball at Cheney Stadium turns 50 this year. How’s the old boy’s health? Hemorrhoid riddled? Propped up on Viagra?



AARON ARTMAN: The old boy is healthy, but needs some updates. A great place to watch the game, so his eyesight is good. But he needs some work on the rest of the body.



VOLCANO: You’ve installed a giant new video board out in center field. (Brace yourself, I’m going to throw a high hard one here.) Your critics (i.e., me) charge that such grandiose technological displays detract from the purity of the minor-league ballpark experience by overwhelming the quaint sounds and sights and smells of the grand old game with flashing thunderbolts, AC/DC songs and incessant commands to “Cheer!” and “Make noise!” What is your defense?



ARTMAN: A video board does nothing to detract from the purity of Minor League Baseball. Even the most diehard purist wants to see replays and highlights.



VOLCANO: Will you do bloopers? I do love the bloopers.



ARTMAN: Of course.



VOLCANO: If I wanted to put something like that in my living room, about what would it run me?


ARTMAN: Your cost would be higher than our cost, because you’d have to buy a ballpark to live in.



VOLCANO: That, of course, begs the question: How’s this being paid for? (What I really mean is, “How will this affect the price of beer?”)



ARTMAN: It won’t affect the price of beer.



VOLCANO: Just to be sure, what was the price of a beer last year versus this year?


ARTMAN: We lowered our beer prices by 50 cents. Plus, we’re bringing back Thirsty Thursdays and doing it up huge this year, with a beer garden area perched on the top level of our party deck, live music from time to time, with $2 beers.



VOLCANO: Many Weekly Volcano readers are, ahem, not exactly jocks. I personally think that not appreciating the finer points of the national pastime is a little like having an unidentifiable black pasty substance where your heart should be. But I suppose not everyone sees it that way. Why should cynical hipsters — I mean, “our valued readers” — come out to the park? Just to have a cold one and check out the bloopers, eh?


ARTMAN: We’re all cynical hipsters about something. It’s part of our collective Northwest charm, so we welcome cynical hipsters in droves. We don’t quiz you about the final score on the way out, so whether you like baseball or not is irrelevant as long as you had a good time.



VOLCANO: All right, I’m going to serve up a batting practice fastball now: This team is going to hit a ton, isn’t it? They’ll probably kick it around the infield and hand out more runs than a taco wagon, but they’ll mash. Am I wrong?


ARTMAN: We’re going to score plenty of runs, hit plenty of home runs, and play good baseball. So no, you’re not wrong.



VOLCANO: Looks like you have five first basemen on the roster. (Six if you count Jeff Clement, who many suspect will convert from catcher.) Is this just an oversight, or are you really planning on adding another first base to the diamond? (What are the rules on that, anyway?)



ARTMAN: We’ve petitioned the powers that be to just play with two first basemen, but nobody has responded yet.



VOLCANO: When I was a kid in Billings, Mont., they had a promotion at old Cobb Field (home of the Mustangs) called “Home Run Runs.” When the home team hit one out, it was free beer for five minutes. Brilliant, don’t you think? (As far as I know, no one was ever trampled to death, at least completely.) What do you think about trying it at Cheney Stadium?



ARTMAN: I’m moving to Billings right away, and buying season tickets.

Wait, never mind … free beer for home runs is the worst idea in the history of baseball, especially with our squad this year, as we’re going to hit a lot of them.



VOLCANO: So, can I take that as a maybe?



[Cheney Stadium, Friday, April 17, 7:05 p.m., 2502 S. Tyler St., Tacoma, 253.752.7700]