Fife City Bar & Grill (and Lounge!) has a couple of first-glance dive qualities about it from the get-go. First of all, it’s in Fife. Trashy trucker hotels and Pacific Highway prostitutes line neighborhood blocks in the City of Fife. Secondly, the neon “lounge” sign out front definitely implies that something shoddy is happening in the bowels of this outdated grill. From the outside one can drive by and swear that this backdoor lounge had some deep, hidden, glorious dive bar secret. So of course, The KAke and I investigated.

Unfortunately we had left our cross-stitch pillows and crossword puzzles at home, or else we would’ve fit right in. KAke and I had entered a world where, for the first time ever, we were the only ones without a specifically needed membership card. The membership card I’m referring to is the AARP card.

There were no dirty bums, no puke on the floors, and no great happy hour prices. Hell, why do you need a happy hour when you’re 70 years old? Every hour has happy hour prices when you have a senior citizen discount.

Inside the restaurant all blue-hairs were sipping their coffee after having gummed their regularly scheduled 4 p.m. dinner. But inside the lounge it was dead empty. (Pun not intended.) I’m pretty sure that the Miami-Vice furniture décor was a direct reflection on what era most of its patrons’ relished in right before retirement.

Of the three beers on tap (Bud, Coors, Alaskan), KAke and I chose Bud. We quickly had to switch to bottled Red Hook as the server (the server from inside the restaurant — as there was not a lounge bartender) informed us that since the taps hadn’t been used in such a long time, she wasn’t sure they were still operating. Yikes. Even the beer taps were arthritic.

The one saving dive-bar-grace to the whole Geritol Convention escapade was witnessing two police cars swoosh into the Econo Lodge parking lot across the street as we were leaving. Yes folks, that right there was the only excitement. I’d love to insert just one more elderly joke at the end here, but it’s now time for Murder She Wrote and my after dinner nap — so I’ll leave it up to you.

Fife City Bar & Grill

3025 Pacific Hwy. E., Fife, 253.922.9555
Food: Pretty fancy menu with inexpensive prices
Beer: Three basics on draft, the usual in bottles
Service: Very friendly and professional
 
Bar Exam Dive Bar Grade: C-