Bobble Tiki is your average American.

Average in every way.

Bobble Tiki has two parents. They’ve been together since the ’50s, and they hate each other. Bobble Tiki was blonde as a baby Tiki, but as he grew up his hair slowly changed to brown. Now it’s just sparse. Bobble Tiki liked James Taylor in the ’70s, Bruce Springsteen in the ’80s and Eddie Vedder in the ’90s. For his thoughts on everything this century check out Bobble Tiki’s MySpace page.

Bobble Tiki likes dogs, watermelon and muscle cars. Bobble Tiki likes cherry pie, apple pie, pizza pie, and about every other type of pie you can think of (except mincemeat). Bobble Tiki spends weekends at Target and Costco charging things to his Visa and following Mrs. Tiki around — pushing a massive shopping cart, always with one defective wheel.

Bobble Tiki was a good kid in elementary school, a punk in junior high, a loser in high school, and a drunk in college. Bobble Tiki earned a bachelor’s degree in five years, then fell into a job he hated — after a year of unemployment eating corn dogs and hot pockets. Bobble Tiki has slowly worked his way up the corporate ladder and now takes great pride in the fact he only hates his job half the time. Bobble Tiki feels like he’s living the dream because he doesn’t need three swigs of something stiff just to clock in every morning.

And like any good, average American, Bobble Tiki is consumed by “American Idol.”

Consumed.

Since the beginning.

Bobble Tiki can’t believe it has already been five years, and six seasons, since “American Idol” first hit televisions across the country — putting names like Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia and Sanjaya on the lips of the masses, at the same time forging a permanent indent in their sofa.

Believe it or not, there are people (specifically Matt Driscoll) who stop at nothing to remind Bobble Tiki how ridiculous “American Idol” is, and how “Bobble Tiki has the musical taste of one of Bush’s recently removed colon polyps.”

Believe it or not, when free tickets to Friday’s “American Idols Live 2007 Tour” surfaced at Weekly Volcano World Headquarters — somewhere in between Bobble Tiki’s morning venti frappucino and his Quizno’s lunch — no one seemed to want them.

Bobble Tiki did. Showing about as much class as the Washington Post did when its editors decided to work up their recent article on Hillary Clinton’s cleavage, Bobble Tiki pounced on those tickets — before any of the secretaries had time to reconsider, and before Driscoll even realized what happened. (Driscoll was taking one of his 37 daily smoke breaks).

Now Bobble Tiki’s going to the show. He couldn’t be more excited. The only thing that could make this any better for Bobble Tiki is if they’re selling Sanjaya faux hawk wigs. If they are, Bobble Tiki plans on purchasing two — one for wearing, and one for safe keeping and collectable purposes.

They call it the “American Idols Tour” because it won’t just be Sanjaya, and it won’t just be Jordin Sparks. Thankfully, it won’t just be Phil Stacey. It’ll be all of them and more. As with past “American Idol” tours, this year’s will feature the final 10 contestants from the previous season. The tour kicked off in Sunrise, Fla., early in July, and wont wrap up until Sept. 22 in New Hampshire. In between, “American Idols Live” will hit roughly 60 cities, attempting to bring the same uncontrollable excitement they bring to the television screen to arenas and domes across the country.

If you’ve seen the show, you’ve seen what the people behind “Idols Live” try to replicate. The stage is designed in a fashion similar to what’s seen on the boob-tube, and the live show is complete with theme music and video footage to help set the mood. Former contestants will perform many of the songs fans know them best for.

Solos. Duets. The whole nine yards.

Bobble Tiki is freakin’ jacked for “American Idols Live 2007.” He hasn’t been this excited since Paula, Randy and Ryan Seacrest came over to Bobble Tiki’s pad to drink boxed wine and play Jenga.

For the record, that never happened, but you can see why it’d be exciting.

The “American Idols Live Tour 2007” lands in Tacoma this Friday. Amazingly, tickets are still available.

As you may already know, Bobble Tiki doesn’t care what you do this week, because he doesn’t even know you. It’s not a bad thing. You and Bobble Tiki simply run in different circles. You’re all, like, you. And Bobble Tiki’s all, like, Bobble Tiki. Unless you can show Bobble Tiki a path to enlightenment through Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, it’s probably best things stay the way they are. Besides, Bobble Tiki is self conscious. He’d probably think you were staring at that thing on his face. Which, of course, you would be, but that’s neither here nor there.



[Tacoma Dome, Friday, July 27, 7 p.m., $38.50-$69, 2525 E. D St., Tacoma, Ticketmaster]