In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you think about something other than witty things you can Tweet next time it snows.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with performing the extensive background checks on our new SOTA interns, it's our life's work

This week's Ragnet is a grab bag of criminal stupidity.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Kids these days. All they do is text, Facebook and party. Back in my day, all we did was party. ...

According to the News Tribune "Lights and Sirens" blog, 10 youths accused of breaking into a vacant town house in Tacoma to throw a party were arrested last Friday. Authorities allege details of the party were sent out via Twitter and Facebook.

Reports indicate neighbors near the empty townhouse (on the 4500 block of South Junett Street) witnessed what looked like a burglary in progress  and reported the activity to police. Earlier in the day, the homeowner had apparently called police to report a broken back window, saying it appeared someone had gained access to the town house.

After receiving calls from neighbors that evening, police reportedly arrived to find more than 20 kids fleeing the scene. Because their party-nets were only so big, police were only able to arrest 10 - on charges ranging from burglary to obstruction of justice.

The funniest part of all is how it ended. As police boarded up the home and finished processing the scene, swaths of teens continued to show up for the party.

Sadly, they were turned away. - Scott Seip, Partying Kids Crime Correspondent

Security guards ain‘t what they used to be

Admittedly, we have no idea why a person might want to break into a freeway construction site. While we assume it has something to do with meth, we simply can't be certain. It makes no sense. ...

But whether it makes sense or not, it happens - as it happened on Sunday night, Jan. 9, in Tacoma.

According to reports, a man allegedly broke into the Atkinson Construction site at South Tacoma Way and Sprague Avenue over the weekend. As he was scaling the fence, he was confronted by a security guard.

While this may have been enough to scare away some would-be burglars, this criminal wasn't easily deterred. Producing what police reports in the News Tribune describe as "what looked like a handgun," the fence-climbing crook allegedly upped the intensity and threatened to shoot the security guard.

What happened next? A classic good versus evil showdown? Some real, True Grit style action?

Not so much.

According to reports, the security guard took off and found shelter for the rest of the ordeal in a nearby bathroom.

We're not making this stuff up. ...

With the aid of a K-9 unit, however, police were able to eventually apprehend the burglar. He was found half a mile away in another fenced-off area and was taken into custody on suspicion of burglary.

No word on whether the security guard has come out of that bathroom yet. - Paula Blart, Security Guard Related Crime Correspondent