In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area.  Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do on the clock other than fantasy football research. 

This week's Ragnet takes us to southeast Pierce County, where it's like the Wild West - only more ghetto.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Manifest Destiny drew our fledgling nation westward, conquering the wilderness between the East Coast and the Pacific Ocean (and any thing else that may have gotten in the way, like, say, Native Americans). The allure of the wide open and the adventure of the unknown was a strong appeal, luring the rough and tumble - by horseback - to parts unknown.

In many ways, southeast Pierce County is like our area's wild frontier, where the men are rough, the women are rougher, and teeth are few and far between. Horses have been replaced by late model beaters and mud-flapped rigs, but southeast Pierce County draws our area's rough and tumble in much the same way the original Wild West did.

Two of those rough and tumble types, 24-year-old David W. Flowers II and 30-year-old James Leroy Fuller III, were blowing off some steam last Tuesday, Aug. 24 when, apparently, Johnny Law took offense. Pierce County prosecutors have since charged the duo in relations to their night of wild, reckless abandon. (At this point, no one is sure whether the duo's hostility had to do with the fact they both have regal sounding names.)

According to published reports, Fuller and Flowers were between Eatonville and Spanaway Tuesday night when a stop sign gave them a dirty look. Being the Wild West types they are, even driving a Ford Bronco, Fuller and Flowers weren't about to take the stop sign's disrespect without putting up a fight.

So, they did what any rationale Wild West types would do - they pulled out a rifle and blew about 30 holes in it. The display of firepower was so impressive neighbors told authorities they heard 32-34 shots. This revelation is especially noteworthy because prior to this event it was believed residents of southeast Pierce County could rarely count above 25.

When police responded to the area they encountered a red Ford Bronco without its lights on. When they gave chase, the Bronco - with Flowers and Fuller in it - sped away. The Weekly Volcano can neither confirm nor deny whether the Dukes of Hazard theme song was playing in the background.

Before long Fuller and Flowers ended up on a dead end road, and shortly thereafter ended up being held at gunpoint by police until backup could arrive. Authorities found an empty box of ammo and a few live rounds inside the duo's Bronco, which was later towed from the scene. Police also found a loaded magazine, a discarded rifle and another empty box of ammo in the vicinity. (It will be interesting to see whether authorities can link these items to the duo, as rifles, ammo and old hunting periodicals are commonly found all over southeast Pierce County.) Another police officer located a stop sign with 28 fresh bullet holes in it near an intersection at 86th Avenue East and 274th Street East.

Both men have been charged with crimes related to drive-by shooting. - The Duke, Wild West Crime Correspondent