In most issues of this fine rag, Marshal Matt Driscoll and his hack team of wannabe journalists tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area.  Then - if Driscoll is doing his job, which he isn't this week, as he's on staycation - he instructs his scribes to write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something less worthwhile to do while awaiting the season premiere of The Apprentice.

This week's Ragnet takes us to Tukwila and points west, where folks play way too many hours of Vice City.

Enjoy.  - Michael Swan

Ah, Tukwila, a working stiff town of 17,000, full of retail businesses and Boeing corporate facilities.  Its name means "Land of the Hazelnuts," and the hazelnuts were out in full force Sept. 12, when Pleasantville suddenly morphed into a very special episode of Mannix - in Living Color!

Our story begins in a Boeing parking structure around 7 p.m., where an enterprising couple was interrupted in the act of breaking into a car with the probable aim of purloining said vehicle.  Police responded at 7:13.  Had this been the beginning and end of a crime report, it would not have merited reiteration in the pages of our glorified fish wrapper.  But at this point, one of the defeated autonappers yelled, "We've got company!" or something very like, as funky Mike Post stock music kicked in.  The couple ran for another vehicle and tore away, which begs the question:  If the couple already had a car, why steal someone else's?  Surely it wasn't for a mere uninvited upgrade?  Would anyone sink so low?  I believe it was Eric Stoltz who once inquired, "What's more cowardly than tampering with another man's automobile?  I mean, don't tamper with another man's vehicle," or words to that effect.

But no, these Tukwilan tamper-wits saw fit to compound their preexisting issues (including, no doubt, crystal methamphetamine addiction and negligible hygiene) by running from the police - in a car, no less, which makes running more difficult.  The action heated up when one officer attempted to halt the fleeing vehicle.  For tonight's episode, we assume that officer looked like a 50-ish, be-curly-wigged William Shatner, and that he (or she) wore a silver badge reading, "HOOKER."  Upon the accelerated approach of the vehicle, Officer Hooker waved frantically before executing a perfect rolling somersault over the hood of the oncoming car into a convenient pile of refrigerator boxes.  Officer Hooker was later commended and shared a hearty break room chortle with Heather Locklear and Adrian Zmed.

A second officer, named for our purposes Detective Mannix, located the escaped vehicle in a driveway at SeaTac Community Center.  (One imagines it was Bingo Nite.)  Luckily, the offending couple was still in the vehicle, which immediately backed out and screeched away in a mixed cloud of exhaust and electric guitars, almost hitting Detective Mannix.  Our hero leaped away just in the nick of time and fired one shot at the retreating vehicle, somehow failing to puncture its gas tank and send the car plummeting over a cliff to explode midair, and radioed in as we break for this message from Calgon:  "My husband - some hotshot!"  "'Ancient Chinese secret,' huh?"  Oh, Mr. Li, you grasping poseur.

Upon our return to Mannix, the fleeing couple took a turn on two tires, quickly losing control and rolling their car a dozen times in slow motion.  Wiping corn syrup and red food coloring from their eyes, they abandoned the totaled vehicle.  Mannix now saw fit to dispatch a K-9 unit, Officer Milkbone, which found the couple hiding in someone's backyard and commenced to going loco on their kleptomaniacal asses.  Good job, Officer Milkbone!  You make police work look "doggone" easy! "BARK!" Cue forced laughter till our heroes are mercifully spared by a freeze frame and cheap closing credits.

Tonight's male perp was treated for doggone injuries at Highline Hospital, then booked with his luckier paramour. - Christian Carvajal, Desilu Productions, 1973