In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job- we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to consume yourself with other than Shark Week.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

If you searched the Ragnet database, you'd quickly find our two most popular subjects over the years: making fun of podunk towns, and oxycodone.

On our end, making fun of rural cesspools is just so easy it's hard to pass up.

On the criminals' end, it seems no current drug of popular abuse seems to result in more acts of criminal stupidity than the prescription pain pill oxycodone. It's "the good stuff" as far as pain pill abusers are concerned. Hell, ask Rush Limbaugh about it.

Well, in a perfect storm moment, small towns and prescription pain pill criminal activity collided recently (with dead bodies thrown in for good measure), when the Lewis County Chief Deputy Coroner Carmen Brunton was arrested in mid-July for allegedly driving under the influence of a controlled substance.

According to published reports, drivers near Napavine called 911 to report a 2010 black Ford Expedition "all over the road," on July 15. Deputies pulled the vehicle in question over on northbound Interstate 5 near Chehalis at approximately 8 a.m. and discovered Brunton behind the wheel. According to police reports, she had "very slow speech and heavy, sleepy eyes." She also reportedly told the officer she took various prescriptions, including pain pills, muscle relaxers and heart pills. She initially denied being under the influence of anything at the time of her arrest, but later copped to popping oxys an hour earlier.

Shortly after Brunton's arrest she was placed on paid administrative leave by her superior, elected Lewis County Coroner Terry Wilson, although Wilson would not comment (as charges have yet to be filed, pending the results of a toxicology report) as to whether Brunton's leave has anything to do with her arrest.

However, Wilson was quoted in Centralia's The Chronicle as saying, "I don't know anything about her health and those things. Most people take something." - Droopy Eyed Ted, Oxycodone Related Crime Correspondent

That doggy in the window

As you may have heard, a 10-week-old Scottish Terrier was recently stolen form a pet store in Burien. According to reports, burglars made their way into the store at approximately 4 a.m., removing an air-conditioning unit from a window to gain access, and made off with only one thing - the puppy, reportedly selling for $745.

Well, luckily that puppy was recovered this week, after a 17-year-old - who had been the victim of a separate incident of harassment and minor assault - gave authorities the information they were looking for. Although the 17-year-old girl didn't want to press charges for the minor assault and harassment, she was able to lead authorities to an apartment where the puppy was being kept. When authorities contacted the (different) 17-year-old girl and her boyfriend living at the apartment, they reportedly gave police a story about acquiring the puppy that "no one in their right mind would believe," according to reports.

The puppy was safely returned to the pet store, and authorities are continuing to investigate the crime. As of press time, no charges have been filed. - Cesar Chavez Milan, Puppy Related Crime Correspondent