In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do other than have homoerotic fantasies about the Shake Weight.

This week's Ragnet looks at vandalism and swords, which, coincidentally, were two of the main activities at my 13th birthday party.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

What, exactly, is the world coming to? OK, OK, I know kids - and especially boys, it seems - have been prone to bouts of mischief and misdemeanor defiance since the beginning of time, but when, exactly, did it get so out of hand? When did egging houses and spreading toilet paper in trees become causing well over $4,000 worth of damage to a local church and community club?

A church? Really, today's youth? Have you no decency?

According to reports, police arrested three suspected vandals earlier this week, ages 14, 16 and 22 (OK, this dude's obviously a loser) - who they say broke in and vandalized a church and community center in Key Peninsula five times over the last month - with the most recent break-in occurring the night of Friday, Aug. 6. The break-ins happened at the Longbranch Community Church and Longbranch Improvement Club, and all three suspects were taken into police custody on suspicion of burglary, theft and destruction of property.

According to descriptions, the suspected vandals are accused of smashing windows, overturning furniture and spraying fire extinguishers throughout the buildings. An official with Longbranch Community Church has said replacing the windows will cost $4,000 alone.

So, that pretty much covers the vandalism destruction of property, but what was stolen?

According to reports, along with the damage done to the Longbranch Community Church and Longbranch Improvement Club, the "stock of liquor was raided several times."

Oh! Now we get it. ... - Willow Palin, Vandalism Crime Correspondent

Sword fight

Look, lots of batshit crazy stuff happens in Kent. It simply goes with the territory.

However, if you're a Kent resident, and one day - out of the blue - an armed robber busts into your apartment and steals your kick-ass sword at gunpoint and then flees on foot, well - you know it's a more batshit crazy day than most.

According to reports, that's exactly what happened recently. On Tuesday, Aug. 10, around 2 p.m., police say an armed man broke into the apartment of a 29-year-old woman living at the Birchtree apartment complex on Pacific Highway South. The intruder allegedly brandished a gun, and used this gun to (no joke) "forcibly" steal a large sword from the woman. Police say the man then fled on foot, onto the nearby campus of Highline Community College.

Moments later, a carjacking was reported at Highline, with the suspect matching the description of the alleged intruder from the Birchtree apartment complex. While nothing official has been published, the Weekly Volcano assumes that description went something like: "Nuts looking guy with a gun and big-ass sword."

Later, police found the suspected robber, a 21-year-old Des Moines man, at the Kings Arm Motel and took him into custody. No word yet on whether the big-ass sword was recovered, or whether it's been returned to its rightful owner. - Tony "Apollo" Allison, Sword Related Crime Correspondent