In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps keep Griffey awake in the clubhouse.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Usually at the Weekly Volcano crime desk we simply regurgitate news from the criminal world in an entertaining package. Basically, we're hired smartasses; we let real journalists do the actual work, then we swoop in - make fun of the crime and the often inane way it's reported - and get all the glory.

It's a totally sweet gig.

Sometimes, though, when the stars align and we're in line at our favorite Tacoma sandwich shop, the Volcano crime desk just happens to break a wacky criminal story.

Take last weekend, when Volcano scribe Paul Schrag was first on the scene after a car smashed through the front of renowned Tacoma institution, MSM Deli II. Not only had Schrag walked to MSM for a pack of smokes, he filed a timely report on the crash for the Volcano's blog, Spew - the first reporter to track down MSM owner Jamal Muthala.

Here are some highlights:

MSM Deli II got a new front door for Mother's Day. Like a car-sized one. It was a regular, frantic Sunday evening when a fairly regular customer drove her car through the generally non-descript storefront at 2220 Sixth Ave., interrupting dinner and showering the wine aisle with concrete, dust and glass. No one was injured says owner Jamal Muthala. And the driver was sober.

"It was obvious she hit the gas instead of the brake," says Muthala, who didn't have a damage estimate yet, but said they had insurance that would cover repairs. "This wasn't how I planned to spend my Mother's Day."

Muthala was a couple well-earned shots deep at Masa when he got the call. ... Ironically, says Muthala, the woman that put her car through the wall is the offspring of man who drove his car through the MSM storefront eight years ago. The woman received a citation from Tacoma PD and was sent on her way.

"Their mother buys a lot of Lotto tickets," Muthala says. "I can't really even be mad. That woman's been coming here since I was like 12."

Summer is officially in the air. How you can tell? The annual waste of resources known as the "Party Patrol" is back.

That's right! Tis the season for large groups of police officers, substance abuse officers and unpopular parents to get together and crash high school parties.

But instead of beer bonging, these uninvited guests are determined to curb underage drinking. Apparently, they don't mind a losing battle. 

The last weekend of April marked the first "Party Patrol" of the season, resulting in the arrest of five kids and three adults - and making the consumption of Boone's or Zima with a Starburst dropped in the bottom all but impossible after Orting High School's prom - the epicenter of the "Party Patrol."

"Sometimes the kids are ahead of us; sometimes we are ahead of them," Orting police officer Branden Porter was quoted as saying on the News Tribune's "Lights and Sirens" blog. "I'm happy to report that last Saturday night, we were ahead of them."

Porter likely went on to say, "Too bad the kids win 95 percent of the time" - although that pure speculation cannot be confirmed. - Barry Kate Molson, Underage Drinking Correspondent