In my mind an old Saturday Night Live skit done by Gilda Radner plays.  She’s doing her brilliant “smoking” routine as Roseanne Roseannadanna.  Some of you might remember the classic skit where Radner reads a letter from a man complaining of his symptoms, goes on about meeting Dr. Joyce Brothers in a sauna, and ultimately dons the catchphrase “It’s always something.” 

Having the memory of this old SNL sketch only further solidifies the point I’m about to make: I’m getting older. My feet hurt. I get injured a lot easier.  My pee smells funny sometimes. I need massages more regularly. I have sensitive teeth. Certain foods give me indigestion. And I’m passed out in bed by 10 p.m. most nights. 

The cure? 

I should become more active. 

Who should help me? 

Lisa the triathlete, of course.

STEPH DEROSA: I just don’t get running.  What are you running away from?

LISA LAWRENCE: The real question is are you running away from me?  Why aren’t we doing this over drinks?

DEROSA: Just talking about running scares me, and makes me want to bolt.  What is the worst experience you’ve had while running?

LAWRENCE: That would be a tie between starting my period in the middle of the Hippie Chick Half Marathon, or doing a long run after having consumed an entire pound of Rainier Cherries that day at work.

DEROSA: Oh man, that is amazingly disgusting.  I love it!  Does running make you need to pee or poop?  I’ve heard it does.

LAWRENCE: On race morning, it’s all about the poop.  Seriously ...  and the sound of the “National Anthem” playing at a race start makes everyone need to pee.

DEROSA: What do you do when that happens?

LAWRENCE: The great thing about triathlons is that you can pee in your wetsuit.

DEROSA: Say what?

LAWRENCE: Oh come on, EVERYONE does it.

DEROSA: I’m sure you’ve had injuries, but my main concern with running is soreness. Look at these things I have on my chest.  I’d get a black eye if I tried to run, at the very least.

LAWRENCE: That’s the joy of having small perky ones; they don’t bounce much. Oh, to girls like you who teased me in junior high school when I was flat and skinny?  How’s that sagging working for you?  BWAAHAAHAAAA!

DEROSA: I hate you.