Whew.  That was hard.  It took me an extremely stressful three minutes to decide on what Emily Bikini’s title should be underneath her name.  I was thinking it would be either: bikini model, actress, energy drink entrepreneur, reality show star, tortoise lover, or world record holder for wearing the pinkest 10-inch heels.  I immediately disqualified “tortoise lover” because I really had no idea whether she’d ever seen a tortoise.  A turtle maybe, but a tortoise I just couldn’t be certain.  And, let’s be honest, the whole “pink 10-inch-heel world record holder” is bogus.  Everyone knows the title belongs to that slut Hannah Montana.

The rest of it, of course, is 100 percent true.  This Emily Bikini — originally from Puyallup, girl is unstoppable, and I fear she’ll one day take over the youth of our nation.  “But how?” you might ask. I’ll tell you how:  By being so damn smart, down-to-earth, and likeable.  I wanted to hate her, I really did.  But I couldn’t.

STEPH DEROSA: So, you big hotshot bikini-wearer, you have a reality show coming out.  Tell me about it.

EMILY BIKINI: I’m not a “big hot shot.” I’m only five feet tall, hence the 10-inch-heels.  But yes, I do have a reality show coming out on Bravo in November called Life in a Bikini.

DEROSA: What, do they follow you around doing?  Putting on make-up?

BIKINI: You really are narrow-minded, aren’t you?  I travel, I have appearances, signings, and interviews like this one.

DEROSA: What?  You have other interviews?  Are you cheating on this interview with another interview?  How dare you!

BIKINI: No!  I would never cheat on this interview!  You are by far my favorite interview.

DEROSA: Hmmmmm, maybe you’re smarter than I was giving you credit for.  I hear you also developed a line of energy drinks.

BIKINI: Yes, I did.  They’re called “Bikini Sodas” and they have less sugar than the average energy drink, but still with tons of flavor.

DEROSA: Yeah, that may be so, but you have to admit they kind-of smell like a fart.

BIKINI: That’s not the drink. That was you.  I heard you do it.

DEROSA: Fine. Like you never fart.

BIKINI: I don’t.  And people may not believe it, but that’s my answer.

DEROSA: Yeah, right.  And I suppose the next thing you’ll tell me is that every time Emily Bikini farts an angel gets their wings.