With a husky voice that told a story within itself of heavy smoking, all-night fishing, and hardcore crabbing survival — Captain Johnathan Hillstrand of the Discovery Channel’s show Deadliest Catch made my dream come true. With the show’s fifth season beginning this past Tuesday, he called my cell phone and I was able to ask him some very important questions I’d been dying to ask. Well, kind of important questions. Because, you know, the conversation eventually led to porn.

Oh, get over it. What else did you expect out of me?

STEPH DEROSA: I have to get all the standard questions out of the way first. Is there anything you’d like to tell our readers about the ucoming fifth season of Deadliest Catch?

CAPTAIN JOHNATHAN HILLSTRAND: This is by far the BEST season yet. If you think you’ve seen it all, you really haven’t seen nuthin’ yet. I mean it, there’s big disaster, yet a lot of pranks. You’ll laugh and cry all in one episode. My hair is standing up on my arms right now thinking about it.

DEROSA: I hear a ship goes down in this season’s second episode. How do you think you will feel as you watch it re-played on TV?

HILLSTRAND: I don’t really watch the show. I don’t need to see the ship go down again, I was there. I lived it.

DEROSA: When you do catch an episode, do you ever hear yourself say things that you regret saying?

HILLSTRAND: Hell no. I really don’t care what people think. Most of the time I don’t remember saying it anyway.

DEROSA: Since you don’t care what people think, tell me this: Exactly how much porn is on your ship?

HILLSTRAND: We have enough. Every guy has Hustlers and Playboys. We don’t watch pornos, though. You know, it’s just a bunch of us guys there, so it’s not like we can sit around and watch them together.

DEROSA: I bet you have a lot of girls flocking around you, being a celebrity and all.

HILLSTRAND: Yeah, I know how to weed ’em out. I see ’em comin’. But you know, a man’s gotta get laid, so …

DEROSA: Do you ever hire women as greenhorns? Could I get a job on the ship?

HILLSTRAND: No, and HELL NO. We have enough crabs on the ship as it is without you around.

[Varsity Grill, Tuesday, April 21, 6:30 p.m., $34.95, 1114 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.627.1229]