My new friend Sam — the doorman at McCoy’s Tavern in Olympia — is definitely no one’s doormat, ifyaknowwhatImean. His entertaining abrasiveness, witty sarcasm, and gargantuous stature made Bandito Betty and I immediately welcome him into our warped world of sideshow humor. It all started as we made eyes with him inside the 4th Ave Tav during a Bar Exam outing, and it was Bandito’s exclamation of, “Holy shit! That guy looks just like Seth Rogen!” that sent me into frenzied glee. It was all I could do as we approached him but to extend the proverbial Steph DeRosa peace pipe. That’s right, people; I offered him my lip gloss.

Any man that can intelligently carry on a derisive conversation after being offered lip gloss is a man that can hang with Bandito and me.

STEPH DEROSA: You look just like Seth Rogen. I bet you hear that all the time.

SAM MILLER: Yes. And I fucking hate it. 

DEROSA: Hey, Seth, must be nice to be able to have a few beers at McCoy’s after work.

MILLER: Actually, I’m a recovering alcoholic. Been sober for nine months, after I had hit rock bottom with drinking.

DEROSA: Awesome, Mr. Rogen. What’s it like to hit “rock bottom”?

MILLER: It’s sad, actually. I don’t really like to talk about it.

DEROSA: Tell me anyway.

MILLER: (Sigh) Fine. (Long somber pause.) OK, you know that show Full House?

DEROSA: Oooh, I’m scooting closer for this story. This is going to be good. Wait, lemme get my pen and paper out. OK, yes I remember the show Full House, go on.

MILLER: Well it was NOTHING like that.

DEROSA: Good Lord you’re a jerk.

MILLER: Like I’m going to tell you? Yeah, right. I know what you’re all about.

DEROSA: Ugh. OK, looking back onto your glorious days of alcoholism, what would you say is the one thing you regret?

MILLER: The one thing I wish I would’ve done is gone to college. Or at least spring break.

DEROSA: You don’t think you would’ve been thrown in jail? I would expect that from you.

MILLER: No. because I’d be naked.

DEROSA: How does that help?

MILLER: They can’t arrest you when you’re naked.

DEROSA: Brilliant theory, Seth. I’ll have to try that.

BANDITO BETTY: Oh no. Here we go.

[McCoy's Tavern, 418 Fourth Ave., Olympia, 360.352.0696]