LINK: Halloween happenings

LINK: Tacoma Catalogue of Terror

I’ve come to the conclusion that at least 87 percent of life is mind over matter. Of the other 13 percent, 10 percent is fate, 2 percent is free will, and the last 1 percent is pure bacon.  Think about it, and you’ll see I’m right: Your attitude directs your life’s path.  Think positive and good things will begin to happen.  Think like an asshole and you get your face punched in — by me.  What role you play in life is directly related to your attitude. 

A prime example would be that your attitude also can reflect exactly how much a haunted house will or will not frighten you. Don’t believe it’s scary, and it won’t be. 

Trust me on this. I’m a self-proclaimed doctor of haunt.  I can take a corpse popping out of a coffin like I can take a beer to the belly.  I stare a “Boo!” in the face until it apologizes for interrupting my day.  Haunted houses are nothing to me.  I’m a pro.  I’m a legend.  I’m a doctor of haunt. 

Bwahahahahahaa! (Insert bloodcurdling scream here.)

I bet you’re wondering how I received my illustrious haunt doctorate.  This came from a lifetime of underage R-rated movie viewings, multiple “over 18 years of age only” haunted house visits, and having a little brother from my dad’s second marriage who was readily available to frighten on any given stormy Southern night.  I’ll be brutally honest here: I have yet to find a haunted house in the South Puget Sound that will make me poop my pants like the huge ones down in Texas did. Even back in the ’80s we’d drop a cool $20 on admission into a three-story deserted warehouse turned death house. You should count your blessings that you’re here in your safe, humble surroundings of evergreens and vegetarians.  Here, admission is usually at a fair price, and the haunting is done in a controlled, well thought out environment. 

Are the haunted houses here scary?  Are they worth the money?  Do those adult-sized diapers really hold?  These are questions only a haunt doctor can answer. Aren’t you in luck?  Dr. Steph DeCapitated DeRosa at your service.

Black Lake Haunted Asylum

Freighthouse Square’s Black Lake Haunted Asylum has made it into its second year of operation and its second year of being in my haunted house rotation.  It was good to see the incredibly gory talents of Ben Isitt at work once again inside this twisted re-enactment of an old Black Lake Asylum legend.  As you slowly traipse through the asylum’s dark maze, following closely behind a zombified escort, anticipation can almost overwhelm you if you don’t heed my advice and work that whole “mind over matter” trick I talked about earlier. 

Isitt’s realistic depictions of bloody operations gone wrong, horridly deceased mental ward patients, and haunted hospital rooms make it entirely too easy to get caught up in the moment.  Tacoma’s SOTA students along with extraordinary local actors make up a gruesome team of asylum staff and their angry, misguided patients.  Oddly enough, out of all that square footage of gore and guts, the freakiest part to me was the clown.  That’s all I’m going to say: the clown. Go check it out 7-10 p.m. Wednesday-Sunday until Oct. 31.  Admission is $13 per “patient,” but search around for some deals online by visiting www.blacklakeasylum.com.

As if revisiting your childhood clown nightmares wasn’t enough, one can witness warfare of Rocky Horror character costumes as the Rocky Horror Picture Show comes to life Friday, Oct. 23 right next door to Black Lake Asylum at Freighthouse Square. 

[Frieghthouse Square, Black Lake Haunted Asylum, through Halloween, 7-10 p.m. Wednesday-Sunday, $13, 2501 E. D St., Tacoma, blacklakeasylum.com]

Theatre of Lost Souls

Just in case you’re too cheap to fork over the $4 bridge toll, those of you in Gig Harbor have at least one haunted option as well.  The Paradise Theatre at 9911 Burnham Dr. has offered up the scares for 10 years with its annual haunted house, the Theatre of Lost Souls.  This potentially frightening escapade takes you indoors and out, fully stocked with well-versed actors who could easily be mistaken for actual zombies. Twists, turns, and brutal scenes that could be created only by Gig Harbor’s finest stage crews claim victim after victim with terrifying screams and suspenseful attack.  But like I said before, it’s all mind over matter. Say it aloud, and repeat after me: “Mind over matter, mind over matter, mind over matter.” 

Paradise Theatre’s Theatre of Lost Souls haunted house is open through Halloween, excluding Monday.  Times are 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday, and 6:30 - 9:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday.  Halloween night, Oct. 31, the theater doors stay open until 10:30 p.m.  A mere $6 gets you in if you’re younger than 10 years old and $9 if you’re 11 and older.

[Paradise Theatre, Theatre of Lost Souls, through Halloween night, 6:30-8:30 p.m. Tuesday-Thursday and Sunday, 6:30-9:30 p.m. Friday – Saturday, $6-$9, 9911 Burnham Dr. NW, Gig Harbor, 253.851.7529]

Fright Fest

For the first year ever, I decided to take one huge haunted hit for the team.  In spirit of all things death, I put aside any corporate loathing and ducked into Wild Wave’s annual Fright Fest.  For a hefty $25 per person entry fee and $10 parking fee, I was thankful my mortgage company approved that small home equity loan, making it possible for my family to attend the event. 

Our financial fears were pushed aside within the first 30 minutes of our Fright Fest adventure.  With all pools drained, decorations up, and lights off, Wild Waves really does transition into an eerie scene for your entire visit.  All dry rides are open, and admission into not one but two incredibly intimidating haunted houses are included.  My mind over matter theory almost failed me as I waited in the long, but steadily moving line into the haunt converted Timber Falls.  A large sign warning visitors of sudden scares and stating due precautions set my mind into overdrive, giving me a nervous belly instantaneously.  This thing called Fright Fest, my friends, is worth every bloody penny. 

[Wild Waves, Fright Fest, every weekend, through Oct. 31, $25, 36201 Enchanted Pkwy. S., Federal Way, 253.661.8000, wildwaves.com]