Tom, the bartender at All Seasons Sports Tavern in Parkland, works the bar every day, all day. He does this because he’s the owner and “It’s too expensive to have employees,” he says. I don’t think he has a problem with the long hours seeing as how he’s been doing it for 10 years. Now that’s commitment, if you ask me. Oh, you didn’t ask me? Well F off then, it’s my column and I’ll tell you about bar commitment if I want.

Tom and a few daytime regulars welcomed me to belly up and allowed me to pry information out of them. Being a cheap ass (as Tom can clearly relate) I quickly noticed the sign reading “$1 Miller Chill” and ordered a tall cool one. Tom had no problem filling me in on why they are only one dollar — because they taste like dirty ass. Well, he didn’t use those words exactly. But it sure sounds a whole lot worse than using the plain ol’ word “yucky,” right? And you know what? Miller Chill does in fact taste like dirty ass. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Bad carpeting, excessive beer signage, and simply being located in Parkland made me want to categorize this place as a dive bar. But the warm feeling of Christmas parties, potlucks, and adopting a local family for Christmas made me re-think my initial dive suspicions. Twenty-five competitive, trophy-winning dart teams in the house didn’t hurt either. The walls were lined with shiny awards of recognition. By the time my stay was over at All Seasons, I felt like part of the family. Maybe next year they will adopt me for Christmas as well.

All Seasons Sports Tavern

12232 Pacific Ave., Parkland, 253.531.1022

Beer: Four domestics on tap, stay away from the Miller Chill
Food: The Big ‘Un is a delicious two patty burger equaling 2/3 of a pound of meat
Service: Friendly and welcoming

Bar Exam Dive Grade: B-