Schooner Pub & Eatery

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I received a note from one of this column’s loyal seven readers concerning a bar in Lakewood called The Schooner. It was written on the back of a napkin and had the scent of fermented urine, so I knew it was legit. The note stated that amongst most Lakewood boozehounds, The Schooner was considered “tha shit” and it would be in my best interest to go check it out. So we did.

Outside The Schooner’s front door was a bouncer. A good-looking man asking for your ID outside a bar is not an ordinary “dive” accessory. Although the caterwauling that came from some of the indoor bar’s patrons was indeed a fine dive bar attraction, so inside we went.

Good gravy in all things pirate we had landed ourselves into the bowels of a shipwreck. Literally, the bow (or stern or whatever) was coming out of a wall, the chairs were buccaneer-wooden, and a secret booth area down below mimicked a fancy captain’s quarters. A dive? Not really.

Nice people, friendly service, decent beer selection, and as far as we could tell — everyone had their teeth. The crowd were average hard working individuals who were out on a Saturday night after a long week. This place was a tough dive-call. It was a tough call until we went to the restroom. THAT’S when we found this ship’s secret buried treasure: A perfume machine!

Yessss! The KAke and I did a few celebratory fist pumps into the air, deposited our quarters, and doused ourselves in an obscene amount of imitation Obsession that would hopefully offend anyone in our path. Ladies and gentlemen, this restroom perfume machine alone is what made The Schooner rise into the dive bar category. Congratulations, Schooner ship hands, not only is your aroma that of a 1989 played-out scent — but you’re now considered a “classy dive” in my book. And that’s my favorite kind of dive to be a part of.

5429 100th St Sw, Lakewood, 253.584.1919

Beer: yes!

Food: Fried and grilled

Service: very nice

Bar Exam Dive Grade: B-