Editor\'s note: New permit laws have forced the closure of the Sanford & Son Haunted house for 2007.

Anyone who drives around in Tacoma’s Theater District has probably noticed some mysterious A-board signs that have popped up along Ninth Avenue and Broadway.

They read "Haunted House Here: 745 St. Helens — Oct. 18 to 31."



So who exactly are the freaks behind this upcoming trick or treat? The proprietors of Sanford & Son.



But just cuz they’re throwing it, doesn’t mean it’s taking place in their Sanford & Son location. The entrance to the haunted house will be on St. Helens, right next to Club Silverstone.



Once you get to that door Oct. 24 to 31, you’ll need to hand over $15 and a can of food to one of the monsters manning the door, and you’ll have to prepare your psyche for the truly psycho.



This haunted house will run from 7 to 10 p.m., and it will include a peep show, a creep show, thrills and 18 different rooms of fear.



Dozens of volunteers each night, including actors, SOTA students and Sanford & Son friends, will be carrying out gruesome tasks amongst the bloody and cobwebbed walls, hiding in the crevices of this dark, dark space, occasionally groping you unexpectedly and forcing you and your unborn children to cry.



The haunting experience will also consist of mild climbing through this winding building, strobe lights and an extra charge for those who are lucky enough to go into seizure.

The last time Sanford & Son had a haunted house two years ago, grown men were crawling on the floor weeping like little girls and at least two people pissed themselves as evidenced by the puddles they left behind (this year you’ll have to clean it up yourself!).



What else would you do when a paper mache Michael Jackson is sitting on a bench talking to you through what sounds like a recording? Then you lean in closer to hear the Thriller man, only to find a hand out of nowhere slowly feeling your leg up. Eeek!



But if you’re light of heart, you really shouldn’t let this keep you from coming to the function because everyone who has gone before has been talking about it ever since and is dying (literally) for it to come back.



Since it’s Alan and Cheryl of Sanford & Son behind this, you know there will be plenty of laughs and some things that just don’t quite belong like, well, mud wrestling and the occasional dose of selective nudity.



And you’re also likely to find more traditional horror treats like children of the corn and dead gull motifs.



So if you’re already afraid, which you probably should be, let me wrap the final piece on the mummy with some simple words to the wise:



Be sure to go pee before you go.



Boo!



[Haunted House, Oct. 24-31, 7-10 p.m., $15, 745 St. Helens, Tacoma, 253.272.0334]