Size matters in certain South Sound watering holes, and only your intrepid Weekly Volcano reporter is seaworthy enough to take on the largest drinks in town. Risking Katrina-level disaster to liver and kidneys, I set out to assess the taste and volume of concoctions designed to incite parties this Labor Day Weekend. What I discovered was near-diabetic shock and the sobering realization that giant drinks are impossible to down by oneself.
Original Roadhouse Grill
There are five giant drinks listed among “Saloon Specialty Drinks” at the Original Roadhouse Grill in Federal Way — 32 ounces of Bootlegger Tea, Hillbilly Punch, Luckenbach lemonade, Original Roadhouse KoolAid, and Original Roadhouse Golden Ride. The Hillbilly Punch arrives in a giant mason jar loaded with Peachtree Schnapps, Amaretto, Bacardi Rum, cranberry juice, sweet & sour, and Sprite. It tastes like Gatorade. Does the staff drink Hillbilly Punch before their regular line-dancing intervals on the main dining room floor? I check to see if they are perspiring in red.
“Um, will this turn my tongue red?” I ask the bartender.
“No,” she replies, busying herself with everything except tending bar. I walk into the men’s restroom and stare back at my red tongue. Brilliant. Federal Way
Billy McHale’s Restaurant
It seems the old ’80s standby of monster drinks and tunes continues in high fashion at this cornucopia restaurant of overhead choo-choo trains and mass novelty items tacked to the walls. With a menu that might have had a Parker Paint factory explode on it, plus a few good things to eat, Billy McHale’s offers diners a chance to reconnect to a time when every restaurant’s sole purpose was to stimulate every sense in your body, especially your brain.
The 25-ounce Grande Margarita arrives in a fishbowl glass loaded with GranGala, Cuervo Gold and every ice cube in the building. Drinking under a sign that reads “Worms, Crickets” I feel like these critters now reside in my stomach — the booze churns my insides. They’re $7.95 a pop, or $5.95 on Mondays. They also serve 25-ounce beers. Federal Way
Ram Restaurant & Brewery
Spending an afternoon on the waterfront Ram’s deck, I decided to go big and blue: Blue Wave Hurricane a Tarantula tequila, and Barton Blue Wave Raspberry Vodka concoction. Generally I try to steer away from blue cocktails (they’re trouble if spilled), but I found this drink quite enjoyable, with none of the usual funny blue aftertaste you get when the bar adds too much blue coloring. There was plenty of everything else in this cocktail, though, because the first thing my companion said when she saw it was, “Isn’t this a huge drink?” To which the server replied, “I know, isn’t it fun?”
Now, that’s a bartender I want to order more drinks from!
So I did, spending an afternoon downing this 21-ounce baby and its fellow jumbo hurricane siblings: Croc Hunter, Wired Bulldog, West Coast Eruption and The Humper.
Warning: Rumor is that the Ram will discontinue the Blue Wave Hurricane this week. Lacey, Lakewood, Puyallup, Tacoma
The Rock
The Rock Wood Fired Pizza music-themed pizza joint presents its giant drink, The Bucket, in a blue bucket with a yellow shovel swizzle stick. Powered with — count ‘em — six rums. Using my masculine wiles (such as they are), I managed to steal the much-coveted recipe from the bartender: said rums including spiced and prominent coconut rums, along with splashes of pineapple and orange juices and grenadine. The Bucket is the perfect summer vacation drink, tasting like spring break 20 minutes before you pass out next to a fat chick in Puerto Vallarta. You don’t feel as guilty getting fucked up as you have a present to give the kid the next day — if you remember to grab it on the wobble out. Federal Way, Lake Tapps, Tacoma
T.G.I.Friday’s
From the restaurant that brings you meat cooked in Jack Daniels whiskey comes drinks that just beg for experimentation, such as the Ultimate Mojito and the Ultimate Hawaiian Volcano (“an eruption of fun”). Why “Ultimate?” These drinks come in a mind-numbing 25-ounce goblet. Yes tropical juices plus Southern Comfort plus DiSaronno Amaretto and Smirnoff Vodka equals “an eruption of fun.”
While “eruption” isn’t an entirely accurate way to describe the effect of this drink (my experience was slightly less violent), it is pretty darn fruity thanks to the mixture of unidentified tropical juices.
Other drinks that receive the Ultimate treatment are the mudslide, margarita, strawberry daiquiri and Long Island tea and many more. Puyallup, Tacoma
Other big drinks
Farrelli’s Wood Fired Pizza offers two giant vodka drinks. Farrelli’s Five sports five Smirnoff flavored vodkas, Sierra Mist, cranberry and pineapple juices in a giant martini glass with two life preservers floating on top. Blue Balls arrives in a pitcher full of Stoli Vodka, Smirnoff Blueberry Vodka, Sierra Mist, Blue Curaco with floating gumballs. The price tag is $15 each. Lacey, DuPont, Parkland, Sumner and Tacoma
Famous Dave’s Bar-B-Que will pour its 16-ounce strawberry pina colida into a 22-ounce tall glass that looks like a Dairy Queen creation. I felt like a wuss drinking the red and white drink below hunting and fishing memorabilia. Puyallup, Tacoma
The Grand margarita at Black Angus arrives in a 25-ounce mug loaded with 1800 Reposado tequila and Grand Marnier. This hand-shaken, chilled delight was the best of the big margaritas I downed. Federal Way, Lakewood, Puyallup
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