In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job- we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you think about something other than what kind of job experience it takes to work at the splat ball kiosk at the mall.

This week's story takes us to the state of irony, a sad and hilarious place.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

First and foremost, let it be known we have the utmost respect for our area's Boys in Blue. Most everyone at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk was a bed-wetter as a teenager, and to this day none of us are fit (physically or mentally) to be a police officer. We're pale, scrawny, a little bit deviant and 38 percent of us have a tattoo of a pot leaf. It would simply never work out, and we're thankful for the strong, legitimate, often crew-cut members of society who have what it takes to be a police officer - protecting us all from peril (and un-signaled lane changes) on a daily basis.

That said, it's just a little bit funny when a cop screws up and does something dumb ... c'mon, admit it! It's even funnier when a cop allegedly screws up and does something so stupid that it makes the news and gives assholes like those behind the Weekly Volcano's Crime Desk a chance to point and laugh.

According to published reports, Tacoma police sergeant David W. Alred (a 23-year veteran of the Tacoma police department) was charged Dec. 16 with one count of DUI, stemming from a two-car crash on Dec. 12 at South Pine and Center streets - a vehicular collision that occurred while Alred was off duty.

When the story hit the News Tribune's "Lights & Sirens" blog Tuesday, Dec. 21, Mike Archbold reported that according to court documents Alred allegedly drove his vehicle smack-dab into the rear-end of a car stopped at a stoplight. This act of behind-the-wheel dumbness came shortly after Alred allegedly sped past another car and cut it off, which, of course, is a totally badass, Too Fast, Too Furious move. All he needs now is one of those tow-hitch nutsacks ... or maybe he already has one.

Anyway, according to reports, when police arrived they observed Alred's eyes as "watery," and could smell alcohol on him. For his part, Alred admitted having three beers, but this modest claim wasn't helped by the fact he "stumbled to the point of nearly falling" while getting out of his car and refused the field sobriety test.

As an officer of the law, Alred may have taken this route because he already realized how fucked he was. Or perhaps he was just tanked. Who knows? Either way, it wasn't long until the handy-dandy breathalyzer showed Alred's blood alcohol level to be a whopping 0.227.

Once again, 0.227. For those playing at home - that's incredibly drunk. It's enough to make Lindsay Lohan, Vince Neil or Mel Gibson blush.

Well, maybe not Gibson. ...

Sgt. Alred has been placed on paid administrative leave and will remain there until the Tacoma police department's Internal Affairs Division completes its investigation. - Tom Alonzo, Drunk Cop Crime Correspondent