STRIKE ONE

Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams, it is my belief, exists solely for entertainment purposes. Like, dude was put on this earth for just one reason: so humanity and all of football fandom would have something to point and laugh at. It starts with his short-sleeved mock turtlenecks and goes from there. He's like a cartoon character (if a cartoon character can also single-handedly bring down your fantasy football team). Williams doesn't seem like a bad guy, per se, he just seems like a joke.

This week, Williams was in the news again - providing just one more blot on a life stained with embarrassment.

According to reports by Calvin Watkins of ESPNDallas.com - relying heavily on lawsuit papers obtained by Texas's Odessa American newspaper in late June - Williams is suing former girlfriend Brooke Daniels after his laughable mail-in marriage proposal went horrible awry. 

According to the ESPNDallas.com story, this spring Williams sent Daniels - the 2009 Miss Texas USA, who the wide receiver had dated for a little over a year - a taped marriage proposal, $5,000 for school and dental bills, a baseball for her brother and an engagement ring worth $76,000.

He did this all via the good ol' fashion mail.

How romantic.

The problem: Apparently, Daniels wasn't interested. According to Williams's lawsuit against her, in addition to declining the ridiculously executed proposal, the wide receiver says she told him she lost the ring.

Williams's lawsuit seeks to regain possession of the expensive piece of jewelry. According to Watkins's ESPNDallas.com story, Daniels's father says the ring is not lost - they have it and they plan to return it to avoid further legal hassles from the spurned ex-boyfriend. He contends no one ever claimed the ring was lost.

No word on whether Williams's mock turtlenecks played a role in Daniels's decision not to marry him.

STRIKE TWO

A few weeks ago I mentioned a fairly pitiful promotion employed by the Texas Rangers at the club's ballpark in Arlington. As you'll recall, the Rangers, via free hand-out shades and a crowd in captivity, set the Guinness record for "Most People Wearing Sunglasses in the Dark" during a recent home game ... no doubt a night those in attendance will always remember (in shame).

As I pointed out, just before lambasting the Rangers' lackluster promotional effort, "While the major leagues are generally void of the bizarre promotions that help make the minor leagues so interesting, occasionally someone comes up with a good one."

Well, holy shit! Seems like I was right (a rarity). Every once in a while someone DOES come up with a good one.

In a story I first stumbled on at Deadspin.com, the San Francisco Giants' TV partner, Comcast Sports Net Bay Area, is currently running what has to be one of the most genius promotions of all time.

As the tease goes on the Comcast SportsNet Bay Area website, "Some people bought World Series souvenirs. Others created one."

See where this is going?

To the press release ...

Giants fans worldwide erupted in celebration. Over five decades of pent-up hope led to euphoria and heart-pumping delirium throughout the ranks of the Giants Faithful. Fireworks lit up the night, champagne corks popped, elation filled the streets and, no doubt, some people chose to celebrate more ... privately. On August 1, 2011, the nine-month anniversary of that magical night, a Giants World Series Championship baby will be born somewhere, and Comcast SportsNet will celebrate that majestic birth with "The Search for the World Championship Baby."

According to Deadspin's rundown of the contest, by Jack Dickey, the eventual winner will receive, "a birth certificate signed by the San Francisco Giants, a commemorative brick paver at AT&T Park with the baby's name, the ‘Comcast SportsNet 2010 Giants World Championship Baby' title and a $2,010 gift card."

STRIKE THREE

While we're trekking down memory lane, let us recall a Cup Check column from April, and the plight of the historic trees of "Toomer's Corner," where Auburn football fans have celebrated victories for decades.

As you'll recall ...

Harvey Updyke Jr. was charged with first-degree criminal mischief in the poisoning of the trees at Toomer's Corner earlier this year. If convicted Updyke faces from one to 10 years in prison. According to the Associated Press story, Updyke has admitted to calling a radio show on Jan. 27 and saying he poisoned the historic trees with a herbicide known as "Spike 80DF," but Updyke's lawyer contends his client has told authorities he was not responsible for the poisonings.

Most damming in all of this? Well, taking nothing away from the alleged tree poisoning, perhaps the most disturbing element of the entire story risks being lost. Updyke has children named Crimson Tyde and Bear, named after legendary Alabama football coach Bear Bryant.

Though Updyke's trial isn't likely to start before the coming football season, the Associated Press did have some positive news to report this week on the state of the poisoned trees. Though hesitant to fill fans with false hope, experts, including Auburn University horticulturist Gary Keever, did say there's a chance the trees may survive, and even be ready for football celebrations come fall. The AP story describes the trees as "a mottled mix of yellow and brown these days," but notes that emergency procedures, including removing some of the tainted dirt around the roots, have helped them survive.

"I don't want to give a sense of false hope, but we're not ready to say they're definitely not going to make it," Keever tells the AP.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

Police in Minnetonka, Minn., cited Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley for possession of marijuana last week after he was stopped for speeding. Beasley, you may not realize, is the proud owner of a "Supercool Beas" back tattoo.

What's dumber than usual about an NBA player busted with weed?

Oh, nothing really, except Beasley's history. Just Google "Michael Beasley," "Twitter" and "weed photos" to see what I mean.