STRIKE ONE

As you may have noticed, last week a profile of and interview with Tacoma Rainiers announcer Mike Curto replaced the usual string of off-putting jokes and foul imagery that makes up the Cup Check column. I'm sorry if this curveball disturbed any of Cup Check's half-dozen regular readers. You guys give me the strength to go on, and although together we couldn't fill an airport shuttle van,  we'll always have each other!

Speaking of Curto, an interesting chunk of our conversation that didn't end up in print revolved around the strange and bizarre promotions he's seen traveling to various minor league destinations. The minor leagues are known for using off-the-wall gimmicks to get butts in the seats. While the major leagues are generally void of the bizarre promotions that help make the minor leagues so interesting, occasionally someone comes up with a good one.

More often, though, someone comes up with a really lame one ... like what we witnessed Tuesday night in Arlington, Texas, when the Rangers (with the help of an apathetic and trapped crowd) broke the Guinness record for "Most People Wearing Sunglasses in the Dark." A Yahoo Sports blog provided photographic evidence of the event via former President George W. Bush and Rangers President Nolan Ryan, sitting together in attendance during the feat, and both wearing the very chill-wave-looking, free, stupid sunglasses.

As was also noted by the Fort Worth Star Telegram, the previous record for "Most People Wearing Sun Glasses in the Dark" was 424.

STRIKE TWO

While we're talking baseball, and embarrassments, let's turn our attention to the upcoming Roger Clemens criminal perjury trial. Next month the former flamethrower will be brought up on charges he lied to congress in 2008 about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. The early details of the scheduled court proceedings sound as meat-headed and back-acne ridden as you might expect.

According to the Associated Press, lawyers for Clemens and prosecutors both filed motions this week attempting to limit what the other will potentially be allowed to ask during trial. Clemens's defense team is seeking to limit the testimony of his former teammates like Chuck Knoblauch and Mike Stanton, both expected to testify that they obtained performance enhancing drugs from Clemens's main accuser, Brian McNamee - who served stints as a Yankees pitching coach and Clemens's personal trainer, and contends he consensually injected Clemens with them during their working relationship.

Clemens's lawyers are also seeking to limit the testimony of former teammate Andy Petite's wife - who's widely expected to testify that Clemens is a huge dillhole.

Prosecutors, on the other hand, fearful that Clemons's lawyers will be able to discredit their main witness, filed motions Tuesday to limit what can be asked of McNamee regarding a 2001 sexual assault - an alleged misdeed for which McNamee was never charged, but that the trainer has since admitted lying to police about. According to the AP, "Police reports said McNamee was seen having sex with a drugged and incoherent woman in a St. Petersburg hotel pool. The woman told police she could not remember what happened but she did not give McNamee permission to have sex with her, and witnesses reported hearing her saying, ‘No.' The date rape drug GHB was found in her system."

The AP story continues:

"The Yankees did not renew McNamee's contract after the investigation, but Clemens continued to work out privately with McNamee for years."

Remember, kids, say no to steroids.

STRIKE THREE

There's nothing University of Washington football fans seem to enjoy more than trouble down the road in Eugene for the Nike-bank-rolled Oregon Ducks.

And trouble seems to be just what's brewing.

As the AP reports, at the request of local newspapers the University of Oregon recently released a whole bunch of documents related to the football program's use of a recruiting service run by Will Lyles, the man behind Texas-based Complete Scouting Services. The released documents, regrettably for the Ducks, strongly suggest the school paid $25,000 for scouting information that was not only bad, but embarrassingly outdated - containing info on players who'd already entered college, and in at least one case had passed away.

So Oregon paid $25,000 for information that turned out to be over two years old, not to mention subpar and heavily plagiarized according to reports? What's the big deal? Sure, that's THE DUMBEST THING EVER, but it's not breaking the rules.

Or ...

Problem is: Lyles just happens to be tight with Oregon running backs Lache Seastrunk and LaMichael James, both heavily prized recruits. The $25,000 payment to Lyles from Oregon arrived just days after Seastrunk signed his letter of intent.

Coincidence? Husky fans think not.

The bottom line: It's only a matter of time before the NCAA comes down harder than a LeGarrette Blount jab on Oregon's football program - which will no doubt lead to riotous celebration near Montlake.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

Remember that irate group of fans, displaced at last year's Super Bowl when the tickets Jerry Jones sold them turned out to be for seats that didn't actually exist?

Remember how these fans are suing the NFL, and how the league has tried desperately to make it all go away - offering to pay full ticket refunds, plus food and travel expenses, plus give them all backrubs and bottle service?

Well, lawyers representing the screwed-over fans argued in court filings this week that those who bought seats that didn't actually exist should be compensated for lost income - on top of all the other expenses they incurred. 

Gee whiz. Who knew getting screwed out of a Super Bowl seat could become such a potential jackpot?

Honestly, we all feel bad for you, displaced Super Bowl fans, but at this point you're just starting to look greedy.