STRIKE ONE

Hines Ward has something new to smile about ... just what the toothy, dimpled, horribly irritating Steelers wide receiver needs.

In an event you surely TiVo'd, Ward took home this season's Dancing with the Stars title earlier this week, beating out fellow competitors Kirstie Alley and Chelsea Kane. While I didn't watch a lick of Dancing with the Stars this season, I still feel comfortable assuming Ward took out the constantly ballooning and retracting Alley with a cheap-shot block to the side of the head that the former Cheer's star never saw coming. He's Hines Ward, after all.

With help from partner and professional dancer Kym Johnson, Ward was able to win over fans and judges alike with his dancing dedication. According to an Associated Press story written about the season finale and championship (no joke), judge Carrie Ann Inaba told Ward, "You dance with heart and it shows."

The AP writer forced to write that story later hanged himself.

STRIKE TWO

NASCAR's Kyle Busch has made the Cup Check column before. In fact, savvy readers will recall just last week Busch was a subject of attention for his "dust-up" with fellow NASCAR personality Kevin Harvick. The two drivers don't like each other, as it turns out, and have been especially chirpy since a rather juvenile altercation on pit row earlier this month. The two drivers have made a habit of making their hatred for one another clear since then ... especially every time someone shoves a microphone in their face. It's predictable, but entertaining as hell, and there's no doubt the bigwigs at NASCAR must love it (all the way to the bank).

This week Kyle Busch makes the column for something far less juicy, but ultimately just as predictable.

According to reports, Busch was cited Tuesday in North Carolina for going 128 mph in a 45-mph zone, or as ESPN.com's David Newton so accurately points out in his coverage of the event, almost three times the speed limit (total math major). Busch was pulled over by the Iredell County Sheriff's department and ultimately charged with careless and reckless driving as well as speeding. He was behind the wheel of a yellow Lexus, and told authorities at the time of his citation he was test driving the car, which was a manufacturer's vehicle and not registered in anyone's name. 

Shortly after the embarrassing traffic infraction, Busch issued a statement apologizing for his lack of judgment while test driving the sports car. While we don't have an exact transcript of the apology, we assume it went something like this:

"I'm Kyle Busch and I'm sorry for being a douchebag. I'm sorry I get to do cool shit that you could never even dream of, and I'm sorry my disgusting, pudgy white face takes it all for granted every single day. I'm also sorry I get to bag hot chicks I totally don't deserve in real life. Kyle Busch out."

STRIKE THREE

Perhaps you've heard by now that alleged professional rapist Ben Roethlisberger is scheduled to get married in July. The lucky lady is a 26-year-old Steelers fan named Ashley Harlan, who's a physician's assistant Roethlisberger met and apparently didn't rape during training camp in 2005. Here at Cup Check we wish the lovely couple nothing but the best.

As anyone who's ever gotten married can attest to, a lot of work goes into it. For this reason Roethlisberger probably needs all the extra help he can get right now.

Unfortunately on that front, arbitrators ruled earlier this month that Pennsylvania State Police trooper Ed Joyner cannot return to the off-duty work he once did for Roethlisberger. Joyner was appealing a decision by Pennsylvania State Police that stopped Joyner from working with Roethlisberger - a decision reached after Joyner and another cop accompanied Roethlisberger and acted as "bodyguards" on that fateful night in Milledgeville when the star QB allegedly had his disgusting way with a cornered co-ed. Police departments tend to frown on that kind of side work.

Interestingly enough, the arbitrator's ruling, first reported by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, also found that Joyner's list of duties for Roethlisberger had grown to include, "retrieving items from the hotel room if Roethlisberger needed something while playing in a celebrity golf tournament; tipping pilots, limousine drivers, etc., on trips; contacting stores to arrange for private shopping trips; detailing Roethlisberger's automobiles; cutting his grass; contacting contractors to obtain quotes for work around the house or landscaping."

And, of course, helping him allegedly rape chicks. 

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

If you're a slothful, gossip-fueled suburbanite like the rest of us, you probably saw earlier this week when TMZ.com broke news of retired boxing legend Oscar De La Hoya's decision to voluntarily check himself into drug and alcohol rehab a few weeks ago. Last Saturday, the site mainly known for Hollywood gossip let word slip that De La Hoya was hunkering down at a rehab facility in California, and that friends were calling the move "proactive," and designed to address "certain health and personal issues."

That same day De La Hoya issued a statement to TMZ which read in part, "Like everyone, I have my flaws, and I do not want to be one of those people that is afraid to admit and address those flaws. ...

"I ask for respect and privacy as my family and I go through this process."

Naturally, two days later TMZ broke news that it was De La Hoya's cocaine use and infidelity that led him to rehab.