STRIKE ONE

The Wade Phillips saga has finally come to an end in Dallas. Earlier this week the Cowboy's sleaze-king owner Jerry Jones finally fired his flaccid and embattled, male-bra-model-candidate coach after an especially embarrassing and demoralizing 45-7 loss to the Green Bay Packers on national television Sunday night. Though Phillips owned an overall record of 35-23 during his time in Dallas, the expectations in Big D are always as high as Michael Irvin in the prime of his career, and Phillips rarely lived up to them - especially this year, when his team, which many considered a Super Bowl favorite at the start of the season, slipped to 1-7 after last week's blowout loss. In fact, perhaps the only thing more brutal than watching that game was listening to the telecast, where Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth literally devoted the entire fourth quarter to discussing how quickly after the game Phillips would be canned, while Sunday Night Football's crew of heartless cameramen stayed focused in on Phillips - who spent the majority of the evening looking like a developmentally-delayed manatee with a weak stomach being forced to watch Saving Private Ryan for the first time.

STRIKE TWO

If there's one thing about NASCAR drivers and Ron Paul supporters, it's that they're always referencing the Constitution - like they're actually literate enough to read the damn thing (I suppose that's they're right). Wait! What!?! You know Ron Paul supporters blather on about the Constitution ad nauseam, but the NASCAR driver thing surprises you? I suppose that's fair - but one need look no further than the NASCAR circuit's resident Rowdy Roddy Piper, Kyle Busch, who just last week had his God-given rights as a pompous secret bed-wetter who drives a race car for a living stomped on by NASCAR itself. At a race last Sunday at Texas Motor Speedway, Busch was penalized for speeding (yes, that happens in NASCAR, almost as often as inbreeding) and called into the pits to serve a one-lap penalty.

While serving the penalty, Busch proceeded to give the bird to the NASCAR official stationed in front of his car - an act for which he was later fined $25,000 and placed on probation (like most of NASCAR's fanbase). The gesture drew an additional and immediate two-lap penalty, which caused Busch to get all historical on that ass.

"They're going against the constitutional rights for everybody," Busch was heard whining into his radio.

Busch has since apologized for the obscene gesture. No word yet on whether he's apologized to the Constitution itself for dragging it into something like NASCAR.

STRIKE THREE

Tiger Woods - still struggling with his golf game - was in Thailand Monday, playing in the World Golf Salutes King Bhumibol Tournament at the Amata Springs Club. A skins event, located in his mother's home country, Woods continued his poor play since the car crash that eventually led to revelations of his infidelity and fondness for crazy Ambien sex and waffles. Woods left the event on a private jet shortly after play concluded having only collected a single skin - a winning of $6,600. Camilo Villegas, a Colombian golfer most famous for his physique and bizarre, spider-like green-reading technique, won the most money.

Why is this funny? It's really not, other than it allows me to make jokes about Tiger Woods in Thailand, which you'd think would be easy.

However, it should be noted there are no Perkins Restaurants in Thailand.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

What's better than a dumb jock? Howabout a dumb jock who got old and now sells Hyundais?

Yahtzee!

Former New York Giants lineman Brad Benson - now a New Jersey-based Hyundai dealer - is sexually active again! Thank goodness. After swearing last May that he would be celibate until his store was the top-selling Hyundai dealership in the country, Benson finally met his goal in October - making him free to get as much action as women interested in having sex with a Hyundai salesman are willing to give him.

Lookout, ladies.

LOCAL BLACKOUT

After two straight lopsided losses, by a total score of 74-10, the Seahawks look to get back on track this week in Arizona against the woeful Arizona Cardinals. The good news is Clipboard Jesus will once again be manning the clipboard, and Cardinal's quarterback Derek Anderson is always good for at least three interceptions. In fact, if the Hawks don't win this game, coach Pete Carroll may be forced to change the name of his motivational book released last off-season from Win Forever to Win Slightly Less Than Half the Time.