Andrea says she has no real reason to feel the way she does - unsatisfied and unhappy in her marriage.

She says she has friends with real problems, noting a couple who is working on a long-distance relationship spread over a war zone as well as a friend who she claimed "has serious issues with her man."

Still, she complained, "I swear to God, if I see another pair of his dirty underwear on the floor, I think I'll strangle him with it."

Andrea is like many Army spouses, working a job outside the home, raising two kids with her husband of seven years, and juggling other tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and shopping. And she tries to maintain what she calls "my own life," getting time in at the gym and trying to spend social time with her girlfriends.

Andrea met her husband-to-be at 19, and the two were married before she turned 21.

"We've both changed a lot," she reflected, "and I love him a lot.  But it feels like I'm working my tail off, and he's just skating along taking advantage of the situation.  Some days I wonder if I'd just be better off left to my own devices since I feel like I'm mostly on my own anyway."

She laughs as tears well.  "Hell, I'm on my own with two kids under 10 and one kid over 20," she said.

Andrea is feeling some of the steps described by Father Lee Hightower, a priest at Lakewood's St. John Bosco Parrish and a former U.S. Army chaplain for 27 years.  He says the first step there's a loss of common goal with the partner, which leads to an emotional separation.  This could look like a spat where a partner gets hurt and shuts down a bit.  Next, feelings progress to a psychological separation, where the partner feels as though, in his or her mind, the partnership is over.  This is followed by a physical separation - such as sleeping in different rooms - and is ultimately followed by a legal separation.

"It's important to get these little things in the beginning," said Hightower, suggesting that as problems escalate professional help may be an appropriate step.

And he throws out an interesting caveat. "Don't go to your chain of command," he advised. "It's better not to mix your professional and private life."

He added, "That's what chaplains are there for." 

He chuckles, reflecting on the couples he has advised over the years.

"But it's important that they listen to the chaplain."

Hightower's advice begins with the couple reviewing why they were married in the first place.

With military couples, he's seen patterns of lonely men marrying young women with abusive backgrounds. "They start off shaky, not on a solid foundation," he said.

But he believes that the foundation can be strengthened with some work.

He recalls conversations about love. One young woman suggested love was an inexpressible feeling.  Hightower disagrees: at the point of marriage, the love becomes an expressed commitment. With any commitment, there are good times, and there are bad times.  He suggests that with smaller families individuals grow up selfish, and though they become interdependent on a mate, they are innately selfish.  Consequently, in the relationship they have to learn to share, which primarily manifests in communication.

"Communication is the key," Hightower emphasized, using clothes strewn on the floor as an example. 

He suggests that a spouse might say, "One might think you don't love me, the way you treat me."  Hightower also suggests "I" statements such as, "I feel as though I'm taken for granted."

Hightower also notes difficulties on the other side, from the man who believes that his earnings should be his own.  Hightower cites scripture: "The two become one," and the famous saying, "for better, or for worse,"  and suggests that couples should renew that vow frequently.

"If you make a commitment, it'll last three days.  Say it over again, and it'll keep lasting," he suggested.  He illustrates the vows with actions both sides can do, suggesting the man might consider buying a rosebud - which takes four days to open, giving it lasting power - or chocolates - which the man may very well get to eat, owing to women's propensity toward dieting.

For the husband, Hightower suggests candy bars tucked in duffel bags with "I love you" notes.

When he performs weddings, Hightower suggests humility - not humiliation - and recommends three important words: "I am sorry." And then the next three words: "I love you."

"When people come in to me having trouble," Hightower said, "I talk to them about the three things you most admired when you decided to commit. ‘He makes me laugh' doesn't count. He won't have enough jokes to keep you laughing the rest of your life."

The next course of action Hightower recommends is to change one thing.  "Just one week don't do that thing that bugs the other person." At the end of the experimental week, Hightower recommends a date night, where the couple discusses what they saw in the other person years ago and then attempts to guess what was done over the week to make the relationship more harmonious.

"You can't change your partner, but you can love them so they want to change," Hightower said. 

Hightower suggests that men meet the perfect woman and marry her while women meet the potentially perfect man.

Hightower suggests the old Army motto "be all you can be" as a good motto to have mates follow in marriage. Both should be willing to hear the message from each other and work toward that end together, despite obstacles.

He suggests that the Army throws an extra spanner into the works. He tells the women he's marrying into the military, "Right now you're entering his second marriage, and the first sergeant is the other wife.

"It's a hard thing to be married to a military person," Hightower said, "and it's hard to be married to the military."

He proposes an aid: "God has to be a part of it.  If he isn't, you're sort of floating on an ocean without a buoy."