The bronzed and scaly receptionist lady made me too scared to say no to her vacuum-saleswoman-like spiel, and that was that. I am now tanning, you pale freaks. I got a sunburn on my first visit, and though every time I go in there it feels like I'm buying drugs or doing something I'm not supposed to be doing, I still go - because, unlike my friends, I'm not spending the holidays in Hawaii. Every time I'm nude inside this neon coffin that smells like a daiquiri and feels like a one-way ticket to outer space, all I can think about is a Hawaiian Christmas. So, when you attend the Olympia Aloha Ukulele Pu'ukani Holiday Concert at the Lacey Timberland Library, while they sing about Christmas luaus, decorating the palm trees and Santa arriving in a red canoe, look for me in the back row. I'll be the dude with skin a bizarre shade of orange and genitalia melted like bubblegum in the Hawaiian sun.

Olympia Aloha Ukulele Pu'ukani Holiday Concert, 6:30 p.m., Lacey Timberland Library, 500 Sixth Ave. SE, Lacey, 360.491.3860