In Glengarry GlenRoss, Ricky Roma waxes philosophical about drinking alcohol in hot weather. It dehydrates you, people say. But Roma counters by pronouncing that he subscribes "to the law of contrary public opinion. If everyone thinks one way, then I say bet the other way."

I couldn't agree more, though not about the contrarian nature of Roma's message, but about the underlying idea of thumbing one's nose at the weather, at the sun. If I wanted a good, hot summer, I wouldn't live in Washington. Warm weather, to me, is a rather unpleasant reminder that we, as humans, are little more than sopping bags of liquid. Gross. And to bring it back to drinking, the best way to avoid purging yourself of precious moisture is to stay inside; and the best way to imbibe enough liquor that you time travel to the cooler months is to head to the bar.

Match made in heaven? I think so.

So, then, misanthropic agoraphobes and lovers of temperate climates - let me direct you to some fine hot weather panic rooms in the South Sound. Just shut the door, grab a bottle, and settle in ‘til the rain comes roaring back.

Home Plate Tavern

Smushed between a tow-truck yard and a bartending academy is this low-lit oasis of pool tournaments, cheap beer and avoiding making eye-contact with your fellow man. For all those who hate frolicking in the sun, the Home Plate Tavern offers a Shangri-La of staring intently into your dewy pint as sports flash about on televisions. If you're ever tempted to leave the confines of the bar and get some fresh air and/or contemplate the decisions you've made in your life, the Home Plate offers a beer garden in the back parking lot, blessedly shaded by a dingy tent. It's everything the glorious sunshine can't offer and less. 1042 S. Sprague Ave., Tacoma

Broken Spoke

For any of you sad-sack sun-haters who also happen to be keen on interesting micro-brews, Broken Spoke might be your drink cave. This semi-new bar/cafe/bike repair shop is stocked to the gills with seasonal, canned micro-brews. When summer comes along, I'm hoping we see the return of their watermelon rind-flavored beer, Hell or High Watermelon. That's some refreshing verbiage. Another plus is the upcoming premier of their Monday bring-your-own vinyl night. Carry your favorite album to Broken Spoke and they'll play it on their turntable while you scan their cooler for the drink with the cleverest name. 1014 Martin Luther King Jr. Way, Tacoma

Crown Bar

If there are any sun-hating sophisticates out there, might I direct your attention to the Crown Bar? Saturating yourself with order after order of PBRs may be fine with me, but I've always touted the cocktails on hand at the Crown Bar. This darkly lit, oaken Sixth Ave mainstay has one of the best Manhattans around - not to mention their other chilled, refreshingly classic offerings. Plus, once you've exhausted their drink list, you can put on your reflective sunglasses and brave the outdoors just long enough to hit up any number of bars peppered along the avenue. 2705 Sixth Ave., Tacoma

Club Silverstone

No list of dark hideaways would be complete without this Tacoma institution. With a main bar area perpetually illuminated by the glow of beer signs and jukeboxes, and a dance floor bathed in black light, Club Silverstone has been serving the gay community for roughly 15 years at this point. Fridays and Saturdays, the place is packed with karaoke and dancing, but any other night finds the bar charmingly low key and possessed with the woozy ability to make you lose track of time - aided in part by its windowless lounge area. Nary a ray of sunlight shall graze your fair skin. 739 St. Helens Ave., Tacoma