Back to Archives

Surviving New Year's Eve

How to stop worrying and love the worst holiday

Email Article Print Article Share on Facebook Share on Reddit Share on StumbleUpon

Unless you live in a land of perpetual sunshine (in which case sun-madness might be an issue), the holiday season can have a tendency to bring about a little bit of the S.A.D.s. Particularly when it comes to something like New Year's Eve - a bullshit holiday that we thankfully won't even have to deal with, thanks to Mayan prophecy.


If, for some reason, the Mayans were wrong, then we might have to deal once more with this absurd holiday. How will you be able to pass through without succumbing to madness? You won't. But, here are some tips for tap-dancing on the brink of New Year's Eve insanity:

Test the Physical Limits of Humanity

Look, now that we've decided that life is merely an Etch-a-Sketch for us to play around with (we did decide that, right?), then there's nothing stopping us from experimenting with the limits of our bodies. I say we ring in the New Year with a Thunderdome-style battle to the death. There's nothing more invigorating than entering a cage, stepping toe to toe with another human, and being presented with a wall of absurd weapons from which to choose.

I'm willing to be the bottom part of Master Blaster, but I'd rather be up top. Who do we know with real broad shoulders?

Distract Yourself From the Concept of Aging

The only good New Year's Eve I've ever had was in Portland, 2006-2007. I was under the influence of certain elicit substances. What I've learned, in retrospect, is that being blissfully ignorant of the passing of time - really, of any time at all - is the best possible way to breeze through this god awful holiday.

By the way - what a shitty holiday! I know that I may be hammering at this point a little here, but let's reflect on what this is even celebrating: We, as a species, have survived another dumb year on this failing planet. We refuse to plan for the future, to aid ourselves in surviving extinction, but we revel in the idea of living out one stupid, insignificant year after another. At least we get more years of 30 Rock than we would have if some asteroid had come and knocked our block off.

Find Someone to Kiss

This applies less, really, to New Year's Eve, and more to everything else. It's easy to quarantine yourself in the daily drudgery, and to avoid finding yourself out in the real world. Less often is it to meet someone with whom you can really find a connection. Oh, and this is a word that comes up with some frequency - "connection."

To truly find a connection with someone in the way that so many self-help books have suggested over the years is quite difficult. What isn't, however - and what should come into play on New Year's Eve - is the connection that comes between fellow humans. I've had historically bad New Year's Eves (remember?). Last year, though, I spent it with my close friends, headed down to the bar at 11:30 p.m., just in time for champagne and had the least grief-stricken NYE of my life.

Searching for someone should be the last thing from your mind. Finding someone to kiss on Dec. 31 is a fool's errand. Find someone to kiss in life, you dope, and spend New Year's Eve with those you already know and love.

Wish for the Future

One day, and one day soon, we'll all be heads in jars.

Just kidding! The singularity will have happened and we'll all be sophisticated cyborgs.

All the same, we'll still have to deal with this dumb holiday and all its expectations. Hopefully, in the future, our hearts will have already mechanically grown to three sizes, so we won't have to deal with that each year. Additionally, the mechanism of finding someone to kiss right before the cybernetic ball drop will be coordinated digitally.

Robots ringing in the New Year - this is our present and our future. As long as we persist in 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-Champagne! - we are merely functioning as the screaming minute hand in the countdown clock of our lives. As much fun as it is to ring in the New Year, what we never quite seem to realize is what we're really doing - saying goodbye to last year. It's quite a bit sadder to think of it in this way.

When the clock winds down on yet another year in your life, it's not a time for doe-eyed optimism but, rather, a sincere look back on your escapades over the previous 365 days. This is not an insignificant time in one's life.

After taking an assessment, then yes, it is surely time to round one's self up, and to commence in taking next year by the proverbial balls. And may you grip those balls like a vice, and may you never let them go.

For Auld Lang Syne.

LINK: First Night Tacoma New Year's Eve

LINK: South Sound New Year's Eve Calendar

comments powered by Disqus